Someone told me to give my ex directions but I told them that DOGS can always find there way home. — Stephanie Copy Share Image
In movies when people go underwater, I like to hold my breath and see if I would survive in that situation. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Idk if anyone else watches these boys from Aus on youtube but, THE JANOSKIANS SO CUTEEEE — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repair man arrives — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“I am fairly certain that given a cape and a nice tiara, I could save the world. ” — Leigh Standley Copy Share Image
If you ever get caught sleeping on the job...slowly raise your head and say 'In Jesus name, amen.' — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I get mad at people who talk about traumatic job interviews, about going on one and getting rejected. I get rejected all… — Julia Sweeney Copy Share Image
Wives are funny creatures. They don't have sex with their husbands for weeks and then they want to kill the woman who… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Really, he called me that? Ellen DeGenerate? I've been getting that since fourth grade. I guess I'm happy I could give him… — Ellen DeGeneres Copy Share Image
“My Date was waiting for me at the kitchen door, ears perked, tail wagging and bits of wicker clinging to his nose… — Sammi Carter Copy Share Image
Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches. — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
“Mira, I'm about to be naked," Blue said as he whipped off his belt and tossed it on the floor. "So watch… — Sarah Cross Copy Share Image
We didn't have cable growing up. We had these three upper channels that played all reruns, so I would see episodes from… — Edi Patterson Copy Share Image
It's funny what actors take issue with. Some won't do parts where animals are in jeopardy; some won't ever play anyone remotely… — Rob Lowe Copy Share Image
I balked at nothing, I was above nothing. Everything had something to teach me. — Wallace Stegner Copy Share Image
I would really love to do a musical, I don't know in what capacity but something funny. — Billie Piper Copy Share Image
I do things I don't know how to do in order to learn how to do them. — Pablo Picasso Copy Share Image
The four most important words in any marriage...'Ill do the dishes.' — Ritu Ghatourey Copy Share Image
The first time I came across the birds and the bees in actual flight, I couldn't identify the formation. — Bill Cosby Copy Share Image
When I get emotional about something, that's usually when funny comes. — Ralphie May Copy Share Image
The problem with any unwritten law is that you don't know where to go to erase it — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“I was just thinking that he might be willing. It’s not like he needs his semen.” — Buffy Andrews Copy Share Image
Girl-ily...boy- baby spell it out it makes me smile harder :) girl- I'm leaving you boy- -_______- — Carlos Banks Copy Share Image
A woman always remembers where and when she got married; a man sometimes forgets why! — Vikrant Parsai Copy Share Image
Christianity is not a mere religion but an experimentally testable science. — Frank J. Tipler Copy Share Image
If you have a harem of 40 women, you never get to know any of them very well. — Warren Buffett Copy Share Image
If you separate the whites and the colored clothes during laundry, you're a racist. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
You know you're a redneck when your pickup breaks down and you fix it. On the front lawn. — Alec Straub Copy Share Image
I forgot to post on Facebook that I was going to the gym...Now this whole work-out was a waste of time. — Keyzee Copy Share Image
