Funny Quotes · Page 763

My girlfriend said she wanted me to be more like her Ex. So I dumped her.

— Azgraybebly Joslan

“...She says with that misty far-away look in her eyes. Like conjunctivitis.”

— Aditi Mathur Kumar

We are better pleased to see those on whom we confer benefits than those from whom we receive them.

— Francois de La Rochefoucauld

I'm odd looking. Sometimes I think I look like a funny muppet.

— Angelina Jolie

I took the speed reading course and read 'War and Peace' in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.

— Woody Allen

Let the meek inherit the earth - they have it coming to them

— James Thurber

It's really about putting that sort of quality and beauty back into our life.

— Tom Ford

Be careful what you tell a girl, she will remember it word for word.

— Raghib Clitso

Selling wine is all about sizing people up, and it takes a certain amount of chutzpah. The tableside bottle sell is a…

— Joe Bastianich

Boys, if you ask a girl who she likes and she says Oh nobody. 1% are telling the truth. 5% are lying.…

— Anonymous

A dear friend of my early childhood has worked as an anthropologist in Papua New Guinea for much of her life, and…

— Michael Leunig

It's funny, but I never knew I was hot or could be beautiful until I saw 'Basic Instinct,' and I was so…

— Sharon Stone

Don't make being a girl or a victim part of your stand-up act. If you encounter sexism in the business, don't bring…

— Jen Kirkman

“Okay, you gotta be nice to him, " I say, coaxing the white fur-ball into my hands. "I will," Nate says, and…

— Cassie Mae

I always feel a little funny being in front of a lot of people trying to show them my approach to the…

— Jake Shimabukuro

To solve the human equation, we need to add love, subtract hate, multiply good, and divide between truth and error.

— Janet Coleman

I'm happy to start on one topic and end on another one entirely, as long as it's funny.

— Dave Barry

If beer pong was one of the event in the Olympics, I would get gold for sure.

— Nikhil Saluja

What I need is a search engine that, no matter what I type in, comes back with GO BACK TO WORK.

— Dave Barry

That akward moment when your like, WHO THE HELL TOOK MY...oh found it!

— Ana

Classes teaching you how to breathe. I'm 32, I think I've got the hang of it.

— Karl Pilkington

You never know / What opportunity / Is going to travel to you, / Or through you.

— Mary Oliver

Being married should free up your time to find me a husband.

— Anonymous

You should eat a waffle! You can't be sad if you eat a waffle!

— Lauren Myracle

Juno showed me that speaking in cute lingo can negate the horrifying chaos of an unwanted pregnancy.

— Anonymous

I sometimes find that in interviews you learn more about yourself than the person learned about you.

— William Shatner

There are two greatest days in a guys life… The day he was BORN… and the day he discovered PORN...

— Green Monk

I think being funny was a coping mechanism because I was always the new kid in school.

— Tom Segura

Because you cannot see outside of you what you fail to see inside.

— Anthony de Mello

That awkward moment when you remember something funny, and cant stop smiling like an idiot.

— EwshyCrazyness

What's the WiFi password here? is the new Finally I decided to visit you

— Nikhil Saluja

If you only knew who you really are, you'd be starstruck

— Victoria Moran

No, I did not want the receipt, but now that you've asked, I'm getting suspicious. So yes please I want it.

— Green Monk

“...which, of course, is how I developed my love for both Kabuki theater and marshmallow Peeps.”

— Jimmy Gownley

The universe will start to rearrange itself to make it happen for you.

— Joe Vitale

Coffee doesn't need a menu, it needs a cup. That's all it needs! Maybe a saucer underneath the cup — that's it.

— Denis Leary

I've never known a musician who regretted being one. Music itself is not going to let you down.

— Virgil Thomson

The problem with loving is that pets don't last long enough and people last too long.

— Anonymous

“Humor is not an end in itself, but a tool to understanding. A dense head must be tickled with an ax.”

— Bauvard

There is no reason ever to have the same thought twice, unless you like having that thought.

— David Allen