Funny Quotes · Page 761

I can't improve on how the Bible expresses itself, so I don't even try.

— Larry Norman

The whole of life is but a moment of time. It is our duty, therefore to use it, not to misuse it.

— Plutarch

I hate when films say 'MAY' contain nudity? Either it does or it doesn't. DON'T WASTE MY TIME

— Green Monk

Success isn't something that just happens - success is learned, success is practiced and then it is shared.

— Sparky Anderson

We are all one, we are love at our core, we are magnificent

— Anita Moorjani

It seems that nothing ever gets to going good till there's a few resignations

— Kin Hubbard

I've always found the world funny and enjoy laughing at it, and that's what all comedians do.

— Michael McIntyre

There are secrets I will take to the grave and others I'd feel safer having cremated.

— Robert Breault

Life is brought down to the basics: if you are warm, regular, healthy, not thirsty or hungry, then you are not on…

— Chris Darwin

“Shaga: How would you like to die, little man? Tyrion: In my bed, at the age of eighty with a belly full…

— Anonymous

“you're afraid?" "Of course not!" "Good" Reven slapped him in the back. "Faint heart, never win fair lady!" "Dead heart never won…

— Sage Blackwood

It's funny how, as we get older, what become our fondest memories are not necessarily the happiest times of our lives but…

— Michael McDonald

A broken heart is what makes life so wonderful five years later, when you see the guy on the elevator and he…

— Bernajoy Vaal

I think 'Mrs. Brown's Boys' in particular is very good, though I do find that perhaps the language is a bit strong…

— David Jason

“The Dimwit's Guide to the Female Mind might assist your efforts in understanding human females. But it must be pointed out that…

— Anne Bishop

“In a nice little house in Atro City there lived a man called Doktor Gleichstein. He was a kind of scientist, and…

— Christina Engela

Death wears many faces, but it’s stench is always the same.

— Stephen R. Lawhead

Women: Can't live with them, can't bury them in the back yard without the neighbors seeing.

— Shaun Williamson

Here's to Columbus getting as lost as every user of Apple Maps.

— Anonymous

You cannot be happy unless you are serving the truth of your being, however that service looks.

— Gangaji

My computer is basically useless When it's not connected to the Internet.

— Ritu Ghatourey

Don't cry because its over, smile because his new girlfriend looks like a horse.

— Anonymous

Whenever I get sad I just imagine a T-Rex trying to put a hat on.

— Anonymous

I got a smoke alarm at home, but really it's more like a 9-volt-battery-slowly-drainer.

— Mitch Hedberg

There is nothing I congratulate myself on more heartily than on never having joined a sect.

— Desiderius Erasmus

Knowledge is potential power. It transforms itself into actual power the moment you decisively act on it.

— Robin Sharma

Happiness Is Like Penis. It Always Looks Small But When You Learn To Share It, You Realize How Big It Can Be.

— Green Monk

Better than the one who knows what is right is the one who loves what is right.

— Confucius

I thought I loved her, but she had to break my heart for me to know what true love really is

— Nikhil Saluja

I felt as if I had attended the funeral of someone I didn't know.

— Pauline Kael

“Majority wins, but majority is not necessarily right and sometimes majority is awfully wrong.”

— Amit Kalantri

I didn't say I hate you, I just saidif you were on fire.. I might just roast marshmellows. Big difference.

— Anonymous

When I tell a joke, I immediately know whether it's funny or not.

— Carlos Mencia

“Everyone loves a kick-ass girl. (Well- maybe not her enemies, but you know what I mean.)”

— Sarah Cross

Thinking of punching these random street people in the face is an excellent way to waste an evening.

— Nikhil Saluja

A tom cat hijacked a plane, stuck a pistol into the pilot's ribs and demanded: 'Take me to the canaries'.

— Bob Monkhouse

But I also happen to be someone who believes in tithing--the giving of a tenth .

— Ronald Reagan

Teenage love is all about making him your's, not her's. (;

— Green Monk

God has a story to tell about you. A major part of it is you telling yours.

— Tosca Lee

The audience doesn't come to see you, they come to see themselves.

— Julianne Moore