Funny Quotes · Page 749

“Don't be a dick,' I whisper. 'You haven't even seen me start to be a dick.”

— Rebecca Yarros

Well, I am trying to put Quebec in its place - and the place of Quebec is in Canada, nowhere else.

— Pierre Trudeau

A Scot is a man who keeps the Sabbath, and everything else he can lay his hands on.

— Chic Murray

There's plenty of fish in the sea? That's great for the fish but what about me!?

— Chris Blue Wolf

The strength of your life is measured by the strength of your will.

— Henry Van Dyke

Happy Memorial Day to someone who gets post-traumatic stress from watching Saving Private Ryan in HD.

— Anonymous

Yo mama's so fat I swerved to avoid her and ran out of gas!

— Alec Straub

A Chihuahua. They're good. If you lose one, just empty out your purse.

— Jean Carroll

Adventure games are all about details - if you happen to take this one object and use it with this other object,…

— Tim Schafer

How [stories] are told, who tells them, when they’re told, how many stories are told — are really dependent on power.

— Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie

“You should have seen the costumes for the last few prom themes: Pimps and their srteet ho's; CEOs and their office ho's;…

— The Harvard Lampoon

Standup comedy is fun. I mean other than having to experience the excruciating lonlieness and unacknowledged sadness that results in funny.

— Dov Davidoff

My dad died, and my grandfather died, and my great-grandfather died. And the guy before him, I don't know. Probably died.

— Norm MacDonald

“Why do you smoke so damn fast?" I asked. She looked at me and smiled widely, and such a wide smile on…

— John Green

My favourite comedian, of course, is Tim Conway. He has a way about him - being that belly-laugh kind of funny, and…

— Carol Burnett

“Is this your boyfriend?" the first nun asked. Clair Olivia looked me up and down. “No. This is my gay friend who…

— Bill Konigsberg

There is always one annoying lady in your life who should use gluestick instead of lipstick!

— Santosh Roy

Instead of raising awareness for bullying, how about parents just stop raising assholes?

— Nikhil Saluja

The secret to staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.

— Lucille Ball

In school I was never the class clown, but more the class trapeze artist. I was always being suspended.

— Tom Guntorius

I'll watch a Keanu Reeves movie and I'll go, 'Wow, he's really not a very good actor!'

— Ashton Kutcher

Excusing bad programming is a shooting offence, no matter what the circumstances.

— Linus Torvalds

Education for livelihood alone will never make our life full and complete.

— Mata Amritanandamayi

I sometimes wonder if necrophiliacs are really into dead people or if they just enjoy the quiet.

— Doug Stanhope

As the saying goes: "If you're not part of the solution, you're a newspaper columnist."

— Dave Barry

Without my drivers license, youll just have to believe the age I tell you.

— Anonymous

There is good government when those who are near are made happy, and when those who are afar are attracted.

— Confucius

Not only CAN anyone be an entrepreneur, but they MUST be.

— Reid Hoffman

I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back.

— Richard Lewis

The question is not whether we can afford to invest in every child; it is whether we can afford not to.

— Marian Wright Edelman

Everytime I look down at the keyboard I see that U&I are together… Hey look over there is my X

— Candace Prickett

You can talk behind my back allyou want. You'd never have the balls to say it to my face.

— Anonymous

“You are Bellman, aren’t you? The genius who sent the sauna ape after me?” Harry nodded toward the Finn.”

— Jo Nesbø

Facebook have to get this- names and meanings for idiots just like you!

— Natasha Uys

When someone makes fun of your favorite celeb, you automatically defend them without even realizing it.

— Anonymous

If you pick up a guitar and it says, 'take me, I'm yours,' then that's the one for you

— Frank Zappa

The older generations have eaten the future of the younger ones.

— Giuliano Amato

I wish America was doing half as well as Captain America.

— Anonymous

If A Girl Talks Sweetly She Is Charming If A Boy Talks Sweetly He Is A Flirt

— Nikhil Saluja

I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.

— Steve Martin