Dov Davidoff

The man I want to be could easily beat me up.

— Dov Davidoff

If you love sleep, you'll really enjoy death.

— Dov Davidoff

Comedy is rarely funny.

— Dov Davidoff

The expectation of happiness creates a lot of unhappiness.

— Dov Davidoff

You're pregnant? Congratulations, the world needs another mindless, semiliterate consumer.

— Dov Davidoff

The good things in life are free, except for health care, and electricity.

— Dov Davidoff

Flying first class means sitting next to a better class of person I don't want to talk to.

— Dov Davidoff

It's difficult to feel silly and depressed at the same time, but I manage.

— Dov Davidoff

Anyone who says I would never hit a woman hasn't met my x girlfriend.

— Dov Davidoff

I'm endlessly amazed by what people are capable of, and incapable of.

— Dov Davidoff

Animals look at people the way people look at people that might mug them.

— Dov Davidoff

When I was a kid I remember thinking, if I had a girl, I would treat her really well. Little did I…

— Dov Davidoff

Just saw a t-shirt at the gym said, body by torture. That's a lot less ironic if you're a political prisoner in…

— Dov Davidoff

Brain damage and stupidity are very different things, but can have similar effects on the wearer.

— Dov Davidoff

Cities with a black middle class provide the narrow minded an opportunity to realize that cultural differences are largely economic.

— Dov Davidoff

Gay men greet each other just like straight guys do... If one of the straight guys saved the other one's life.

— Dov Davidoff

People shouldn't take my lack of interest in what they're saying personally. I don't really care about what I'm saying most of…

— Dov Davidoff

If no-eye contact sex were a sport, I'm not saying I'd make it to the Olympics, but I like my chances.

— Dov Davidoff

You have the attention span of a large bug, and yet I don't feel good enough about myself to not date you.

— Dov Davidoff

What is sex addiction? I asked a doctor and the guys goes, Sex addiction... People will end up doing something they don't…

— Dov Davidoff

You forget how crazy people are in New York, all the people on the sidewalk. When you leave here, everyone's in their…

— Dov Davidoff

Finding your voice is something you have to keep working at. Your voice as a comic evolves the same way that you…

— Dov Davidoff

Was thinking of taking a yoga class, then realized I wasn't gay. Whew. Close one.

— Dov Davidoff

Gotta get rid of these free radicals, but first I need to figure out what they are.

— Dov Davidoff

When maintaining a relationship means diminishing your self, it's time to walk.

— Dov Davidoff

The entertainment business is to business what plastic flowers are to flowers.

— Dov Davidoff

America has so much debt, if she were a person she'd need a co-signer to get a car loan.

— Dov Davidoff

The Statue of Liberty really is profound, I just wish she'd lighten up a bit.

— Dov Davidoff

Insecurity is like herpes. It's not going anywhere. May as well learn to laugh at it.

— Dov Davidoff

Parenthood seems really rewarding... like martyrdom, but without the glamour.

— Dov Davidoff

Nike store won't accept my Starbucks card as payment. Come on guys, just do it.

— Dov Davidoff

Few things interest me more than the things people don't say.

— Dov Davidoff

A high percentage of vegan men look like lesbians.

— Dov Davidoff

You think you have anger issues? I just yelled at a sandwich. Not kidding.

— Dov Davidoff

I'm no quitter, unless it comes to human relationships or math and science.

— Dov Davidoff

The great thing about having a small family is that there are fewer people to disappoint.

— Dov Davidoff

I'm pretty happy for someone who struggles with happiness.

— Dov Davidoff

People who say life is precious don't spend much time on line at the airport.

— Dov Davidoff

Anticipation almost always exceeds the reality of that which we anticipated.

— Dov Davidoff

The more I get to know people, the less I know about people.

— Dov Davidoff