Dov Davidoff

The great thing about having a small family is that there are fewer people to disappoint.

— Dov Davidoff

You think you have anger issues? I just yelled at a sandwich. Not kidding.

— Dov Davidoff

I'm no quitter, unless it comes to human relationships or math and science.

— Dov Davidoff

Anticipation almost always exceeds the reality of that which we anticipated.

— Dov Davidoff

I'm pretty happy for someone who struggles with happiness.

— Dov Davidoff

People who say life is precious don't spend much time on line at the airport.

— Dov Davidoff

Monogamy is god's way of making death seem like a more reasonable option.

— Dov Davidoff

The human spirit is indomitable, unless your talking specifically about the people I know.

— Dov Davidoff

Great marriages are like the Higgs Boson particle, its existence has been theorized, but no one has ever seen one.

— Dov Davidoff

Not sure how I feel about reality. I'm going to begin purchasing stuffed animals and endowing them with the qualities people in…

— Dov Davidoff

If you hug someone goodbye and their response is what the hell are you doing? - you may want to examine you're…

— Dov Davidoff

I don't know if it's the economy, but finding work as a spiritual guru is really hard. Maybe I should grow my…

— Dov Davidoff

Drugs in a disco are great for white people because it allows them to feel more Puerto Rican while dancing.

— Dov Davidoff

I have a sneaking suspicion that leading an examined life and being really tan aren't consistent with one another.

— Dov Davidoff

Learn to think for yourself, unless of course you can identify someone else with better judgement, and a flashlight.

— Dov Davidoff

Living one's life with unguarded vulnerability is one of the keys to happiness. It's also one of the keys to getting mugged.

— Dov Davidoff

Big black guys fear air travel almost as much as old white women fear big black guys.

— Dov Davidoff

The more I get to know people, the less I know about people.

— Dov Davidoff

Sleep is over rated, then again so is being awake.

— Dov Davidoff

Break ups are painful, but if initiated at the right time can fuel one's sense of optimism.

— Dov Davidoff

Every time I see a happy couple I want to give them a polygraph.

— Dov Davidoff

The expectation of happiness creates a lot of unhappiness.

— Dov Davidoff

It's difficult to feel silly and depressed at the same time, but I manage.

— Dov Davidoff

I'm endlessly amazed by what people are capable of, and incapable of.

— Dov Davidoff

Anyone who says I would never hit a woman hasn't met my x girlfriend.

— Dov Davidoff

Animals look at people the way people look at people that might mug them.

— Dov Davidoff

You're pregnant? Congratulations, the world needs another mindless, semiliterate consumer.

— Dov Davidoff

Flying first class means sitting next to a better class of person I don't want to talk to.

— Dov Davidoff

The good things in life are free, except for health care, and electricity.

— Dov Davidoff

Gotta get rid of these free radicals, but first I need to figure out what they are.

— Dov Davidoff

When maintaining a relationship means diminishing your self, it's time to walk.

— Dov Davidoff

Was thinking of taking a yoga class, then realized I wasn't gay. Whew. Close one.

— Dov Davidoff

Parenthood seems really rewarding... like martyrdom, but without the glamour.

— Dov Davidoff

Nike store won't accept my Starbucks card as payment. Come on guys, just do it.

— Dov Davidoff

The entertainment business is to business what plastic flowers are to flowers.

— Dov Davidoff

The Statue of Liberty really is profound, I just wish she'd lighten up a bit.

— Dov Davidoff

America has so much debt, if she were a person she'd need a co-signer to get a car loan.

— Dov Davidoff

Insecurity is like herpes. It's not going anywhere. May as well learn to laugh at it.

— Dov Davidoff

No one understands the way I feel about things I don't understand.

— Dov Davidoff

I'd like you much better if you didn't like yourself so much.

— Dov Davidoff