Dov Davidoff

The worst part about people with bad personalities is they don't know it.

— Dov Davidoff

Living by the beach means feeling guilty about never going to the beach.

— Dov Davidoff

Dating a white girl is like dating a black girl if she were really passive-agressive.

— Dov Davidoff

Few things are more annoying than too many of any one ethnicity in the same room.

— Dov Davidoff

Someday I'd like to be a father, not of a human child, but something more reasonable.

— Dov Davidoff

If procrastination were a marketable skill, I'd be a real hot commodity.

— Dov Davidoff

I'd put my faith in god, but I haven't met him, and I've been hurt before.

— Dov Davidoff

Water polo would be much more interesting if they hadn't gotten rid of the horses.

— Dov Davidoff

Standup comedy is fun. I mean other than having to experience the excruciating lonlieness and unacknowledged sadness that results in funny.

— Dov Davidoff

Another thing rappers, I admire your rebellious spirit, but materialism is a form of mental slavery. Slow down on the jewelry, pick…

— Dov Davidoff

The Nazis were well dressed. Today's racists are a rag-tag bunch with no sense of style or panache.

— Dov Davidoff

I'm passionate about gay rights, but I think we need admit that there are some gay wrongs as well.

— Dov Davidoff

Next time I spank a girl during sex, I'll say, this is going to hurt me more than it will you.

— Dov Davidoff

I'd like to expand the definition of the word 'success' to include 'failure' as the one seems inseparable from the other.

— Dov Davidoff

We should create a holiday that celebrates money for what it is, essentially worthless paper, upon which we agree to pretend it…

— Dov Davidoff

Love is a crocodile just above the water line waiting to attack the innocent herbivore of my freedom.

— Dov Davidoff

Is it cynical to assume that anyone smiling is a liar and a criminal?

— Dov Davidoff

Do you love me for me?... I don't even love me for me.

— Dov Davidoff

Comedy is a cruel mistress, especially if you're already seeing a really cruel mistress.

— Dov Davidoff

Cupcakes are the tattooed brunette chick of the baked goods world.

— Dov Davidoff

Age is just a number, unless of course your trying to have a conversation with them.

— Dov Davidoff

Health food would seem healthier if the people that sold it looked less unhealthy.

— Dov Davidoff

Maybe necrophiliacs are just people that want to have sex without a lot of talking.

— Dov Davidoff

Please reduce the expectation in your tone when asking me how my day is going.

— Dov Davidoff

Throwing up is natures way of saying you need to re-examine your idea of a good time.

— Dov Davidoff

Homemade' sounds much better when not referring to tattoos.

— Dov Davidoff

Unlicensed, illegal immigrants are the safest drivers on the road.

— Dov Davidoff

Nothing good about the sun if you're trying to watch television with out curtains.

— Dov Davidoff

Horoscopes, like bad sitcoms, are created for people that I don't relate to.

— Dov Davidoff

Fear can be a great motivator, just not during foreplay.

— Dov Davidoff

Life is fragile, unless your in the NFL in which case you'll need to wear padding.

— Dov Davidoff

A picture is worth a thousand words, but conversations with them generally end in dissapointment.

— Dov Davidoff

I wonder if anybody ever decided to commit suicide, then thought; but first I'm going to stop by that taco place I…

— Dov Davidoff

I wish that every other guy were gay. Think about the leverage that would create in your relationship.

— Dov Davidoff

I really appreciate the way you don't appreciate me, said my subconscious as I agreed to go out with her yet again.

— Dov Davidoff

I've decided to aim a telescope at my neighbour's window. It's the closest I'll ever come to living with someone comfortably.

— Dov Davidoff

I find anger so comforting. It's like a blanket made of unresolved issues, but it's a blanket none the less.

— Dov Davidoff

Writing a new film about cereal killers. Not serial killers, cereal killers. The main character can eat two, three boxes at a…

— Dov Davidoff

Please use anger for something positive like hurting people that deserve it or writing jokes.

— Dov Davidoff

I've decided to become gay, not in a sexual way, but I am going to start picking up around the house.

— Dov Davidoff