Sex sells, but doesn't work so well as a strong-arm tactic. Give me your purse or I'll make out with you so… — Dov Davidoff Copy Share Image
It's a wonder you don't see the zebra being trotted out as a metaphor for racial harmony more often. — Dov Davidoff Harmony Copy Share Image
The best thing about bugs is their lack of self consciousness, also the ability to fly doesn't hurt. — Dov Davidoff Ability Copy Share Image
I've always wanted children... not of my own, but for yard work and reaching into tight places to get things I've dropped. — Dov Davidoff Children Copy Share Image
My bedroom is so messy, if I died of natural causes, the cops would be like no he didn't, clearly there was… — Dov Davidoff Copy Share Image
I can always tell when a girl comes from a good family because she's what's known as not at all attracted to… — Dov Davidoff Copy Share Image
Cities with a black middle class provide the narrow minded an opportunity to realize that cultural differences are largely economic. — Dov Davidoff Copy Share Image
Gay men greet each other just like straight guys do... If one of the straight guys saved the other one's life. — Dov Davidoff Gay Copy Share Image
When I was a kid I remember thinking, if I had a girl, I would treat her really well. Little did I… — Dov Davidoff Girl Copy Share Image
Just saw a t-shirt at the gym said, body by torture. That's a lot less ironic if you're a political prisoner in… — Dov Davidoff Body Copy Share Image
Brain damage and stupidity are very different things, but can have similar effects on the wearer. — Dov Davidoff Brain Copy Share Image
If no-eye contact sex were a sport, I'm not saying I'd make it to the Olympics, but I like my chances. — Dov Davidoff Chance Copy Share Image
People shouldn't take my lack of interest in what they're saying personally. I don't really care about what I'm saying most of… — Dov Davidoff Care Copy Share Image
Upside of being an attractive woman; if you're remotely intelligent, people will treat you like you're brilliant. Downside: same thing. — Dov Davidoff Copy Share Image
Ending a sentence with yo, is like saying, I don't want a job. Not today. Not ever. Know what I mean yo? — Dov Davidoff Jobs Copy Share Image
If I do marry, I'll expect a pretty serious dowry. I'm talking goats, pigs, chickens, the works. — Dov Davidoff Copy Share Image
You have the attention span of a large bug, and yet I don't feel good enough about myself to not date you. — Dov Davidoff Attention Copy Share Image
When rappers call each other son it leads me to believe they don't take fatherhood very seriously. — Dov Davidoff Copy Share Image
The world treats beautiful people like they're good at something, which makes it so that they almost never get good at something. — Dov Davidoff Beautiful Copy Share Image
It may not be in the constitution, but every American has a god-given right to provinciality and ignorance. — Dov Davidoff Constitution Copy Share Image
Just saw a woman with a t-shirt that said southern and sassy, it's all good. Well madame, I beg to differ, it… — Dov Davidoff Facts Copy Share Image
Man's inhumanity toward man is astounding, and I'm just talking about the lineup at certain comedy clubs. — Dov Davidoff Copy Share Image
Thinking about the fathomless cruelty with which man has treated his fellow man, but also ice cream. — Dov Davidoff Copy Share Image
Statistically speaking, when a woman says I'm not going to have sex with you, she'll often have sex with you. — Dov Davidoff Sex Copy Share Image
My job as a comedian is to heighten awareness about locally grown produce, fight factory farming, and promote euthanasia, but in a… — Dov Davidoff Awareness Copy Share Image
Suicide is like the ejector button in the cockpit of an F-15. If life goes into a permanent tail spin, it's nice… — Dov Davidoff Copy Share Image
America is a hot chick with a bad personality. Take her seriously and you'll end up hating yourself. — Dov Davidoff America Copy Share Image
Stop thanking god for your parking spot. He had nothing to do with it, and if he did, I want nothing to… — Dov Davidoff Copy Share Image
Looking into blood doping. I think it will allow me to write jokes with greater intensity, and for a longer period of… — Dov Davidoff Copy Share Image
The Middle East is America's 'champagne room'. No matter how much you spend, you will still never get what you want. — Dov Davidoff America Copy Share Image
White people set goals, rappers 'chase paper', and the Chinese are too busy doing both to talk about either one. — Dov Davidoff Copy Share Image
I'm neither professional fighter nor physicist, therefore on some level I will always consider myself a failure. — Dov Davidoff Failure Copy Share Image
If you carry a paperback book in your back pocket, but spend more time on your hair than you do reading it,… — Dov Davidoff Actor Copy Share Image
Is it a bad sign when the thought of your x-girlfriend makes you say things like, Satan is a myth... I guess. — Dov Davidoff Girlfriend Copy Share Image
Dating is great unless you don't like horrible awkwardness, lying, and a deep foreboding sense of disappointment that never goes away. — Dov Davidoff Awkwardness Copy Share Image
Hanging out with women on a platonic level is like spending time with someone from Europe. It's not better or worse, but… — Dov Davidoff Copy Share Image
Laughing at ones own attempt at humor while saying things just come to me should be punishable by death. — Dov Davidoff Comedy Copy Share Image
How come the term 'threesome' is always used in a sexual context? What, nobody plays string instruments any more? — Dov Davidoff Copy Share Image
You know you've lived in LA to long when what you fear most about prison is a lack of organic produce. — Dov Davidoff Fear Copy Share Image
Bad sign when the thought of your x-girlfriend sends you reeling in a search for new adjectives to describe stupidity and thoughtlessness? — Dov Davidoff Copy Share Image
