Dov Davidoff

Domestic abuse is wrong, but domestic retribution is okay.

— Dov Davidoff

A lot of people in a LA need to take a break from taking a break.

— Dov Davidoff

Being proud of your nationality is like congratulating yourself for inheriting money.

— Dov Davidoff

False humility is thinly veiled ego disguised as self confidence.

— Dov Davidoff

When being interviewed by a woman for a job, never begin with listen up doll face.

— Dov Davidoff

I've decided to retreat to the spirit world where I feel appreciated and understood.

— Dov Davidoff

I'm pretty sure whoever said, people are wonderful spent very little time with people.

— Dov Davidoff

Latin women enjoy being women more than other women.

— Dov Davidoff

Trannies dress up like women, then try to bang straight guys. They're the adrenaline junkies of gayness.

— Dov Davidoff

Comedy has been my way to reconcile with the world. I didn't really set out to do this, but comedy has served…

— Dov Davidoff

There must be 15 shows about people's jobs: 'Ice Road Trucker,' 'Axe Men,' 'Dirty Jobs.' Unemployment is so high, we're watching people…

— Dov Davidoff

When cornered, a rattle snake can become so angry it's been known to bite itself, which is exactly how I feel in…

— Dov Davidoff

People that say I have a 'fear of commitment' don't understand my relationship with popcorn.

— Dov Davidoff

Patriotism for the sake of is like choosing sides in a war based on the color of their uniforms.

— Dov Davidoff

A lot of people wouldn't feel miserable in this environment. A lot of people aren't dating my girlfriend.

— Dov Davidoff

Being homeless is awful, but if you've ever tried to wrestle a duvet cover back onto a comforter you realise it's not…

— Dov Davidoff

Can you spare some change? is never a good pick up line.

— Dov Davidoff

I'd find myself more interesting if I weren't with me all the time.

— Dov Davidoff

There are few places more lonely than a crowded night club.

— Dov Davidoff

Being anti-social can also mean that you're aware of how annoying it is to be social.

— Dov Davidoff

Marriage is supposed to be permanent. It's like a tattoo that yells at you.

— Dov Davidoff

It's a shame that physical beauty often has such a negative effect on its occupant.

— Dov Davidoff

Fountains are more romantic when you don't hate the person you're with.

— Dov Davidoff

Canadians are like Americans, just less racist, violent, and ignorant.

— Dov Davidoff

You can't fool the American people - politician trying to fool the American people.

— Dov Davidoff

I wish I could be attracted to unattractive women. They're just more interesting.

— Dov Davidoff

If space suits looked less like marshmallows, I'd be more interested in going to the moon.

— Dov Davidoff

Love is nature's LSD. You're going to see things that aren't really there.

— Dov Davidoff

How can there not already be a rapper named 'O'pinion'?

— Dov Davidoff

Hard to explain to a guard dog that you need it to protect you from yourself.

— Dov Davidoff

Quality thoughts will turn their back on you if you don't treat them with respect.

— Dov Davidoff

I think you have a lot to offer... not necessarily as a person, but as an organ donor.

— Dov Davidoff

Only bugs can truly appreciate the beauty of flowers.

— Dov Davidoff

MTV has turned more young women into whores than poverty.

— Dov Davidoff

Cheerleaders are simultaneously everything that is right and wrong with the world.

— Dov Davidoff

Misery loves company which is ironic because it rarely throws dinner parties.

— Dov Davidoff

Mirrors at the gym only serve to remind me that I'm less of a man than I'd like to be.

— Dov Davidoff

Perhaps depression is a perfectly natural reaction to the human condition.

— Dov Davidoff

Writing good jokes requires effort. Think I'll just start dressing funnier.

— Dov Davidoff

I'd spend more time with you if you were less like you.

— Dov Davidoff