Funny Quotes · Page 742

“Hojo-"You sound exactly like bandits, bossing me around." Bandits- "That's because we ARE bandits.”

— Rumiko Takahashi

'Baskets' is incredible - 'Baskets' is so funny and poignant and sad and dark.

— Thomas Middleditch

If the loser keeps his smile, the winner will loose the thrill of victory.

— Nikhil Saluja

Bf: babe I got u a present for your b day=) gf: awww really you didnt have too, wat is it? bf:jeremiha's…

— Brandon Marinez

The future will be owned and operated by the entrepreneurial ly minded.

— Mark Victor Hansen

Remember that whatever you do or wherever you are, you are never alone.

— Gordon B. Hinckley

Tell me how you measure me, and I will tell you how I will behave

— Eliyahu M. Goldratt

Sometimes I wonder; how many other girls he is texting while he's texting me...

— Anonymous

You get to a new school, and you're the new guy, or you're the foreigner, or you're the guy with the funny…

— Edgar Ramirez

“Life is a process during which one initially gets less and less dependent, independent, and then more and more dependent.”

— Mokokoma Mokhonoana

A peacock escaped from the Central Park Zoo and wandered around the city. Either that or I just saw a pigeon on…

— Jimmy Fallon

Succession,' in my mind, is the first successful British comedy in America, and the way that you get Americans to like British…

— Cord Jefferson

The real problem you get with humour is that you only have so many kinds of jokes within you, and you mine…

— Bill Bryson

Wealth and rank are what men desire, but unless they be obtained in the right way they may not be possessed. Poverty…

— Confucius

“The great William Shakespeare said, "What's in a name?" He also said, "Call me Billy one more time and I will stab…

— Cuthbert Soup

My mom, for most of her life, was a Holocaust denier. And it was terrible for the entire family to have to…

— Anthony Jeselnik

I like the authentic punk dance you did there. It's like a child dizzy off lemonade

— Russell Howard

That moment of fear when you can't take a ring off your finger.

— Anonymous

Every single one of us possesses the strength to attempt something he isn't sure he can accomplish.

— Scott Jurek

There is nothing that says more about its creator than the work itself.

— Akira Kurosawa

Every time when I see a quote that relates to my situation I think, Thank God Im not the only one.

— Punkinhead Abhishek

Turns out you have a really fun time if you go to work every day and focus on being silly and funny…

— Hannah Murray

I like hard movies; I like ones that are basically the opposite of a date movie.

— John Waters

I write for Reader's Digest. It's not hard. All you do is copy out an article and mail it in again.

— Milt Kamen

The sign of the people of bid’ah is that they do not follow the salaf.

— Ibn Taymiyyah

When somebody tells me I cannot do something, that's when I do it,

— Gertrude Ederle

Always know you could be on the precipice of something great.

— Donald Trump

Mable 'Madea' Simmons: [to Nikki about Joe] Go help that thing find its shoes so we can get out of here.

— Madea

Every dog has his day but the nights are reserved for the cats.

— Anonymous

But by the time that I had nothing left, I myself was the lightest thing of all for fate to get rid…

— Isak Dinesen

Last night I shot an elephant in my pajamas and how he got in my pajamas I'll never know.

— Groucho Marx

TEMPER TANTRUMS: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.

— Nikhil Saluja

Wait for the one you love. Not the one who found you first.

— Nikhil Saluja

I hope my New Year's Resolution to only say nice things about people isn't misinterpreted as a vow of silence.

— Hussein Nishah

Why do so many new brides get crow's feet as soon as they're married? From squinting and saying, Suck what?

— Green Monk

Music never goes away. It is always available, but we're not always available for music.

— Robert Fripp

I want to get back and figure out how we're going to make 'The Tonight Show' funny and good.

— Andy Richter

Girls can be funny and play sports and show how to do the perfect soccer kick if they want.

— Eva Gutowski

For me, traveling and living are the same. How you travel is a symbol of your life.

— Diane von Furstenberg

Dear Hotel People: We don't need a cheeseball clock-radio. WE NEED PLACES TO PLUG STUFF IN. Thank you.

— Dave Barry