What's funny is that you can think you really value your life until you almost lose it. — Alan Alda Copy Share Image
“If I go back home to Wittenberg, I'll lie down in a coffin and give the maggots a fat doctor to eat.” — Martin Luther Copy Share Image
1 Facebook friend request* 0 Mutual friends. You're not even from my country, how the hell did you find me ?! — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Well, I'm not afraid to say something if I think it's funny, even if it's harsh or racist. — Sarah Silverman Copy Share Image
Men are like bank accounts. The more money, the more interest they generate. — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of "rich" usually cancels out the nice of "bald". — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
I'm terrible at practical jokes. I do them too well, so they're not funny. I end up saying, “Oh, no, I'm joking,… — Anna Torv Copy Share Image
Today I changed my name in my dads phone to God and when he swore I texted him saying I HEARD THAT!… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
It was decided almost two hundred years ago that English should be the language spoken in the United States. It is not… — George Mikes Copy Share Image
“You need a hair cut, I blurt out. Really bad. It gets in your eyes and you squint and you're constantly moving… — Colleen Hoover Copy Share Image
I was in China for 3 months, doing a tour and I was teaming with CJ Banks. We needed a name and… — Pete Dunne Copy Share Image
I discuss with myself questions of politics, love, taste, or philosophy. I let my mind rove wantonly, give it free rein to… — Denis Diderot Copy Share Image
All the stereotypical ‘dude’ geeky things I like are socially acceptable, and all the stereotypical ‘lady’ geeky things I like are frowned… — Amanda Hocking Copy Share Image
Every girls' night needs a funny movie and a good conversation about guys! My friends and I also love picking outfits out… — Jennette McCurdy Copy Share Image
BRB- I dont want to talk to you. LOL- I have nothing else to say. COOL- I dont care — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I see no women out here, and you're chanting about a male organ, now tell me who's the fruit booty? — John Layfield Copy Share Image
“It’s funny how what you’re used to seems like it’s right even if it’s bad.” — Lisa Wingate Copy Share Image
Not to brag but I'm so good that I can make women scream before sex. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Wouldnt it be nice if the world was flat? That way we could just push off the people we dont like. — Jeremy G Copy Share Image
FORGIVING AND ALL THAT CUTE SAPPY I LOVE YOU AND I WON'T EVER HURT YOU LIKE EVER ONLY HAPPENS IN MOVieS FUCK — Anonymous Copy Share Image
My boyfriend Told Me If I Bought Him One More Stupid Gift he Would Burn It So I Bought him A Candle… — Curly_girl Copy Share Image
I think attractive cops should make it clear they are not strippers sent by your buddies before they tase me. — Danny Zuker Copy Share Image
I've wiped the file? … I've wiped all the files? … I've wiped the INTERNET? I don't even have a modem! — Eddie Izzard Copy Share Image
With your faults, dont hurry. Dont correct them thoughtlessly. What would you put in their place? — Henri Michaux Copy Share Image
If you don't follow the stock market, you are missing some amazing drama. — Mark Cuban Copy Share Image
Jon Stewart hires people that he thinks are funny. That's it. That's the only requirement. — Olivia Munn Copy Share Image
I'm known for taking pictures very close, and the older I get, the closer I get. — Bruce Gilden Copy Share Image
No man is the boss of his own house, but he can make up for it, he thinks, by making a dog… — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
Once we know something, we find it hard to imagine what it was like not to know it. — Chip Heath Copy Share Image
The point of being over 40 is to fulfill the desires you've been harboring since you were 7. — Guillermo del Toro Copy Share Image
