Funny Quotes · Page 721

Student, tell me, what is God? He is the breath inside the breath.

— Kabir

“I’m going to strip my way through plumber’s school. What do you think of the stage name Fine-Ass Frankie?”

— Rebecca Murphy

If we were good at everything we would have no need for each other.

— Simon Sinek

“Don't let your teeth make you lose respect by permanently keeping them opened for the sake of being friendly.”

— Michael Bassey Johnson

I'm [going] through a mystified period of my life, where the more I learn, the less I know.

— Jean Louis

Dear McDonald's Cashier, Don't give me that look... Last time I checked, there was no age limit on Happy Meals.

— Anonymous

They should put expiration dates on clothing so we men will know when they go out of style.

— Garry Shandling

Pessimist: One who has been intimately acquainted with an Optimist.

— Elbert Hubbard

“I scoop a clattering cascade of green apple Jelly Bellys into the white paper bag and remember when we were seven. I…

— Huntley Fitzpatrick

If someone wants to be in your life, they'll make an effort to be in it. Don't bother reserving a space on…

— Anonymous

10 year olds have a Blackberry, an iPad, a laptop and Facbeook? When I was 10, I felt cool with my new markers. :

— Anonymous

“Well, pardon me for not knowing about the thermal-only panty rule,” I said, smirking as he dipped his head to nuzzle one…

— Molly Harper

~ Romance Mathematics ~ Smart Man + Smart Woman = Romance Smart Man + Dumb Woman = Affair Dumb Man + Smart Woman = Marriage Dumb Man + Dumb Woman = Pregnancy

— A Josland

I treat my cat like she's my therapist or something, because I talk to her all the time, and as she's gotten…

— Thundercat

“I'm never growing up, I'll just sit in the corner of time and sip my juice box petulantly and judge your terrible…

— Rhiannon McGavin

Many people said that 'To be successful in life, you have to climb the ladder of success,' but no bastard told me…

— Vikrant Parsai

A theory may be so rich in descriptive possibilities that it can be made to fit any data.

— Phillip Johnson-Laird

It's funny how life works. You end up sometimes back where you started.

— Karl Iagnemma

After all, we are nothing more or less than we choose to reveal.

— Sylvia Plath

Men have always been afraid that women could get along without them.

— Margaret Mead

Why do porn stars tweet pics of their kids? Factory workers don't tweet pics of their on-the-job accidents ..

— Green Monk

Happy Father's Day to someone who knew long before me that all the boys I brought home were jerks.

— Anonymous

On hitting a shaken opponent - His legs turned to spaghetti and I was all over him like the sauce.

— Vinny Paz

For each time you smile you will find it's true somebody, somewhere, will smile back at you.

— Helen Steiner Rice

Making a product better often requires removing features.

— Marco Arment

Only through service and sacrifice can you become great.

— Jon Gordon

You're a part of me. I'm a part of you and we are all a part of this great nothingness.

— Frederick Lenz

Until now they have refused to do battle with us. They are just going places.

— Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf

Those amateur umpires are certainly flexing their fangs tonight.

— Jerry Coleman

All humor is based on hostility - that's why World War Two was funny.

— Neil Simon

“Look at him,” she said, shaking her head. “Travis Maddox: Mr. Mom.”

— Jamie McGuire

I may be sad now but the next time you see me I will happy knowing I'm one step closer finding MR.Right.

— Miranda

This global recession has had a detrimental effect on my sex life. It's ages since I've been able to afford it.

— Anonymous

I'm not just random. You just don't think as fast as me.

— Anonymous

If I'm playing an Indian in a Hollywood film, I won't do it in any funny Indian accent.

— Huma Qureshi

It's funny how things change slowly, until the day we realize they've changed completely.

— Nancy Gibbs

Listen carefully, because I don't repeat myself - and if I do, I get testy.

— Laura Schlessinger

Jack Black is so funny! On and off screen, like, he would make you laugh every day. He's hilarious.

— Caitlin Hale

I was deeply unhappy, but I didn't know it because I was so happy all the time.

— Steve Martin

I put a dollar in one of those change machines. Nothing changed.

— George Carlin