I don't need to know everything, I just need to know where to find it, when I need it — Albert Einstein Copy Share Image
You have to change on the inside before change will happen on the outside. — Joel Osteen Copy Share Image
Amiability is very often a weakness, but the most unobjectionable one as a rule. — Sydney, Lady Morgan Copy Share Image
I recently bought a cat, but took it back a day later because our personalities clashed. — David Mitchell Copy Share Image
I basically started performing for my mother, going, 'Love me!' What drives you to perform is the need for that primal connection.… — Robin Williams Copy Share Image
It was funny that rank-and-file evangelicals were ahead of all the leadership. They saw for decades conservative Republicans had made promises to… — Jerry Falwell, Jr Copy Share Image
The truth is really funny. It's uncomfortable sometimes, it's dramatic sometimes, but it's really funny. Life is funny. — Chris Messina Copy Share Image
Things were different when I was single though, and I'd go out all the time and dudes would do their thing. i… — Ashley Scott Copy Share Image
If you're an aspiring show maker, and you have the means to sit around for a few months, you should be making… — Pendleton Ward Copy Share Image
Funny things tend not to happen to me. I am not a natural comic. I need to think about things a lot… — Rowan Atkinson Copy Share Image
To forget you is hard to do and to forget me is up to you. Forget me not, forget me never. Forget… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I put my parents through mini hell with my laziness and poor grades, so I love making them laugh when they see… — Kayvan Novak Copy Share Image
The pyramids themselves, doting with age, have forgotten the names of their founders. — Thomas Fuller Copy Share Image
Funny, I think that the only reason I'm compared to Prince is because of my skin color. — Velveteen Dream Copy Share Image
We just keep trying to beat every show with the funny stick until it's funny — Dan Povenmire Copy Share Image
Keep your friends close and your alcohol closer. Then get drunk and insult your friends. — Green Monk Copy Share Image
We're so insecure, comedians. 'Did you laugh? Do you think I was funny?' — Julian Barratt Copy Share Image
BOY: hey dad I got a girlfriend DAD: good job son!...GIRL: daddy I got a boyfriend DAD: (loads shotgun) — Ana Copy Share Image
Delete me... Like most of y'all who can't handle what I have to say :') Dont got time for any of y'all. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
The goal is to be the observer of your thoughts and not let your thoughts control you. — Deepak Chopra Copy Share Image
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink? — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Reading text messages while half asleep is like looking into the sun. — Ritu Ghatourey Copy Share Image
I am a little afraid of giving people advice for fear that they might follow it. — Vikrant Parsai Copy Share Image
We have that Indian scene. We can get the Indians from the reservoir. — Samuel Goldwyn Copy Share Image
That awkward moment when... You hear a joke in someone else's conversation & accidentally laugh. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Bitches b like long hair dont care known damn well they shit shorter than a Instagram video — IG:Catone_2funny Copy Share Image
I have an erratic drummer for anybody who's just listening to this, he can keep time, but just in spurts. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
