Funny Quotes · Page 701

Impossibility is more possible than everything which we hold to be possible.

— Karl Barth

One day we'll all look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.

— Ash Sweeney

It was unworthy of our military sources that they were the first to weaken.

— Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf

We love super-silly moments, funny moments, serious moments, weird moments.

— Riki Lindhome

Death is not an experience in life; we do not live to experience death.

— Ludwig Wittgenstein

All my life I thought air was free until I bought a bag o chips...

— Ana

Just Kidding: Saying what you really want and getting away with it.

— Celeste Hartman

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.

— Rita Rudner

Before I criticize someone, I walk a mile in their shoes. That way, if they get angry, they are a mile away…

— Akash Ash

“This [discovery of a cell-free yeast extract] will make him famous, even though he has no talent for chemistry. { Comment on…

— Adolf Von Baeyer

As one reads history ... one is absolutely sickened, not by the crimes that the wicked have committed, but by the punishments…

— Oscar Wilde

Our pious horror at the intolerant and repressive behaviour of Islamic State is bitterly funny, given that it is really not that…

— Peter Hitchens

The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the…

— Dorothy Parker

Regardless of what I do, whether I write a book or whether I act or whether I host, I'll always do stand-up…

— Howie Mandel

Even when something's funny, it has to be well-written, too. So we are really aware of the craft part of pop music.…

— Ron Mael

Let's try to put at least as much thought into voting for the next U.S. president as we do into voting for…

— Anonymous

The liberals can understand everything but people who don't understand them.

— Lenny Bruce

A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.

— Anonymous

“What's wrong with her soul?" "Nothing.  She's just not actually in possession of it.”

— Rachel Vincent

“You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him participate in synchronized diving.”

— Cuthbert Soup

We must have perseverance and above all confidence in ourselves.

— Marie Curie

I can be approached, but never pushed; befriended but never coerced; killed, but never shamed.

— Yi Sun-sin

They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.

— Steven Wright

“The curtain rises on a vast primitive wasteland, not unlike certain parts of New jersey.”

— Woody Allen

I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

— Tim Vine

Welcome the One that has kissed you from within. It is from inside everything comes.

— Mooji

The whole effect of activity is to enrich the feeling of the other.

— Maharishi Mahesh Yogi

40 is when your body gives your brain a list of things its not going to do anymore.

— Anonymous

Biggest pet peave at hotels...Not knowing how to work the showers!!:)

— Rachel

I don't like to think myself as 'Special' I like to think myself as limited edition

— Anonymous

Tell us your phobias and we will tell you what you are afraid of

— Robert Benchley

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

— Steven Wright

Progress is a continuing effort to make the things we eat, drink and wear as good as they used to be.

— Anonymous

Last week I got a flu that I caught, 'cause my daughter coughed... into my mouth.

— Louis C. K

He's a jokester, and that's funny, very funny. Ha-ha. Very funny.

— Shaquille O'Neal

I seriously hope all the things i talk about are erroneous and false

— Peter Joseph

Mom, thanks for not being famous enough to adopt a black baby instead of having me.

— Anonymous

Reasons to date me: I laugh at my own jokes so you don't have to.

— Amit Verma

Someday you'll find yourself, and will you be disappointed.

— Anonymous

You can't be mad at people for being funny and putting on cool pants. You can get pants, too, if you want!

— Rachel Sennott