Funny Quotes · Page 700

I was...labelled as an advocate because...I measured something.

— Jeremy Jackson

“I confessed I did not have an opinion; I was only thirteen, and this was my very first dismemberment.”

— Rick Yancey

Don't you hate it when you're doing push-ups and you lose count after 1,000...

— Anonymous

It's either the wallpaper or me. One of us has to go. [These were his dying words.]

— Oscar Wilde

We want to ascribe a kind of tragic grimness to people, but people are funny.

— Luis Alberto Urrea

When someone points skyward, its the fool that looks at the finger.

— Ritu Ghatourey

I'm bringing sexy back Oh no. Hunny, your the reason it left.

— Anonymous

I now know how uncomfortable most parents have it when they're having the sex talk with their children.

— Epifania Savea

“Spartacus," I called, "how's it hanging?" Probably not too well. Once you're dead, had your organs removed, and are resurrected as an…

— Rob Thurman

The life that I have is all that I have and the life that I have is yours. The love that I…

— Leo Marks

A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new boyfriend in bed together. Solution? I sent…

— Christopher Case

If you profile picture is a cat I would think your a pussy if it was a mouse I would think the…

— Julie Simonson

“Have I told you how hideous you look tonight?" Cardan asks, leaning back in the elaborately carved chair, the warmth of his…

— Holly Black

When are we going to get going?" Chris says. "What's your hurry?" I ask. "I just want to get going." "There's nothing…

— Robert M. Pirsig

I like doing what I do, but I like having the opportunity to do different things, and obviously comedy would be a…

— Jason Wiles

Comedy isn't just timing; it's about rooting out the funny in the real. You just bend reality to the left a little.

— Henry Winkler

The creatives are rarely professional and the professionals are rarely creative.

— Simon Sinek

T, at least once in your life you tried to drink out of the cup like a dog

— Anonymous

Its my bad luck that I cant differentiate between a candle and a woman ;both are bound to burn.

— Mohd Aariff Khan

Those that innovate the future understand history the best.

— Rick Warren

We live in an age when pizza gets to your house before the police... but pizza is better than the cops

— Drew Fonner

Americans have mastered the art of living with the unacceptable.

— Breyten Breytenbach

If you text me and then within the next 3 minutes send me ???, you will not get a reply.

— Anonymous

Execute like there's no tomorrow, strategize like there will be.

— Aaron Levie

“I had a dream about you last night.. You kept screaming at Ted Danson to pour you a drink.”

— Amy Summers

Some theories are good for nothing except to be argued about.

— Georg C. Lichtenberg

The secret of our marriage is chemistry. She's on Valium and I'm on Prozac

— Green Monk

“Blankets are good to carry around if you want to be able to quickly black bag someone.”

— Nicole McKay

You'll never see the hacienda. It doesn't exist. The hacienda must be built.

— Ivan Chtcheglov

If I am occasionally a little over-dressed, I make up for it by being always immensely over-educated.

— Oscar Wilde

Donald Rumsfeld. Love him or hate him, you've gotta admit: a lot of people hate him.

— Jon Stewart

Friendship is like peeing in your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel its warmth.

— Regha Hanif Malik Fajar's

Those embaressing VIDEOS of you & your friends.. trying to take a picture. d:

— Anonymous

There are worse occupations in this world than feeling a woman's pulse.

— Laurence Sterne

If today is the first day of the rest of your life . . . what the hell was yesterday?

— Ritu Ghatourey

Journalists belong in the gutter because that is where the ruling classes throw their guilty secrets.

— Gerald Priestland

Doing good to others is the # one great Universal Religion

— Swami Vivekananda

The one thing you can't take away from me is the way I choose to respond to what you do to me.

— Viktor E. Frankl

There's a great power in words, if you don't hitch too many of them together.

— Josh Billings

Choose to take fate by the neck and shake the living heck out of her.

— Anonymous