I won't call myself a failure. Failure is not getting knocked down. It's not getting up. — Ray Rice Copy Share Image
Let's grab lunch with the understanding we'll eat separately at our desks. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I had a survey done on my house. 8 out of 10 people said they really rather liked it — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
I think it's funny because on 'Glee Project,' there's that added pressure, but with 'Glee,' there's no element of competition. No one's… — Samuel Larsen Copy Share Image
When the dentist told me to open my mouth and get closer her head I'm pretty sure she wanted to kiss me,… — RK26 Copy Share Image
While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was.… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered. What I don't like about office Christmas parties… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“For it is written that "if the wise man appears always stupid, his failures do not disappoint, and his success gives pleasant… — Christopher Moore Copy Share Image
Why is marijuana against the law? It grows naturally upon our planet. Doesn’t the idea of making nature against the law seem… — Bill Hicks Copy Share Image
I have no tolerance for people that cheat on their beautiful girlfriends/boyfriends for something that looks like it belongs in the zoo — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“I’m a firm believer in equality at all times—” “At all times?” She glanced at the cuffs clipped to his leathers. “Why… — Cherise Sinclair Copy Share Image
If A Girl Is Silent She Is Feeling Sad If A Boy Is Silent He Is Being Rude — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Men are like...Mini Skirts. If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no-hitter! — Green Monk Copy Share Image
I love because I care, I care because I love. If that's too much then your worthless and that's totally fair. — Zabi Khojazada Copy Share Image
I got off the plane - I was walking and cooking at the same time. — Gabriel Iglesias Copy Share Image
I scream, you scream, both of us scream because we are being murdered while eating ice cream. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
“Are you really speechless or has the vodka finally impaired your ability to function like a normal human?” — Heidi McLaughlin Copy Share Image
I hate when someone calls my phone and asks Who is this?you called me. WHO THE HELL IS YOU? — Punkinhead Abhishek Copy Share Image
There is a strange reluctance on the part of most people to admit that they enjoy life. — William Lyon Phelps Copy Share Image
Do you ever get the feeling that you're being watched? . . . Because if it's bothering you, I'll stop. — Green Monk Copy Share Image
I hope that after I die, people will say of me: 'That guy sure owed me a lot of money.' — Anonymous Copy Share Image
When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
It's funny: your happiness is contingent on a bigger picture besides just yourself. — Debra Granik Copy Share Image
“I've been single so long that if I hug a brother, he'll get pregnant!” — Tranea Prosser Copy Share Image
Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I'm not a comedian. I don't make things funny if they're not funny. I don't invent funny stuff. — Morgan Freeman Copy Share Image
We spend so much money on expensive clothes, but the best moments in life are spent without clothes. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
There's no such thing as a supermom. We just do the best we can. — Sarah Michelle Gellar Copy Share Image
