Funny Quotes · Page 602

The tragedy in somebody trying to be funny is so brilliant.

— Matty Healy

I no longer believe that just about everything is funny, if viewed from the proper angle.

— Tom Perrotta

My responsibility to God is to live. That's the gift he gave me. What I do with it is up to me.

— Mary J. Blige

That awkward moment when your gum randomly falls out your mouth when you're talking to someone

— Anonymous

Would you ever cheat in relationship? I can't get one girl, how the hell do you expect me to get two

— Anonymous

You didn't catch me cheating. I'm a masseuse, my tongue was just giving her tongue a massage.

— Green Monk

The Bible was written by barbarians in a barbarous, coarse and vulgar age.

— Robert Green Ingersoll

“Love is simple, if you allow it to be simple." Julian to Hannah, Take A Chance”

— Alison Wong

I came home, the car was in the dining room. "How did you get the car in here?" "Easy, I took a…

— Henny Youngman

You meet somebody on a bus or something, and they say, 'Thank you for the World Cup; it was so good to…

— Jerome Boateng

I would ask my mother to show me how to walk - and she did show me. That's why I think it's…

— Naomi Campbell

People love to throw stones at me, and I get it. It's fun to make fun of me, because I put myself…

— Wendy Williams

My brother has ADD, which is weird because he drives a Ford Focus. I told my brother that joke but he didn't…

— Zach Galifianakis

This is one of those mornings where I'll be picking the marshmallows out of the Lucky Charms and throwing the rest away.

— Anonymous

“Nay, 'twill be this hour ere I have done weeping. All the kind of the Launces have this very fault. I have…

— William Shakespeare

“Our neighbors were so excited when a black family moved in that they got them a welcome basket with the first three…

— Flynn Meaney

“Adults who use big words in order to seem intelligent are annoying, especially those who are not intelligent.”

— Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Every one will be something worth while, something rare, something perfect.

— Wallace D. Wattles

Whenever cannibals are on the brink of starvation, Heaven, in its infinite mercy, sends them a fat missionary.

— Oscar Wilde

If you have intercourse you run the risk of dying and the ramifications of death are final.

— Cyndi Lauper

As life tends to become more and more distracting, let us firmly hold on to books.

— A. Edward Newton

Coding is a privilege, but that privilege is not available to most Americans.

— Ali Partovi

PRESENTABLE, adj. Hideously appareled after the manner of the time and place.

— Ambrose Bierce

If your job title is head receiver, you know you're doing something right.

— Anonymous

Writing ''etc'' on an test because you don't remember any more examples.

— Ritu Ghatourey

Ghetto language. Bathroom = Baafrumm. Refrigerator = Fridgerataa. Remote control = Moken troll.

— Anonymous

I've been around so long, I knew Doris Day before she was a virgin.

— Groucho Marx

Trusting fear, while fearing trust and happiness often creates a less than happy life.

— Bill Crawford

I laugh in the face of danger.It's a silent laugh and I usually wait until danger turns around.

— Anonymous

Typing faster because someone has just pissed you off on the Internet

— Anonymous

If money is the root of all evil, I must be a saint because I never have any money

— Green Monk

The 'Celeb Juice' job was never mine - people just guessed - but it was quite funny to watch the rumours.

— Emily Atack

Who travels far will often see things Far removed from what was believed as Truth.

— Hermann Hesse

When someone calls you & asksWho is this? ... Like bitch, you called me! who are YOU?

— Anonymous

Man cannot live by bread alone; he must have peanut butter.

— James A. Garfield

I gave my wife a kiss this morning. She jumped out of bed and did a lap of honour.

— Frank Carson

Maidens hearts are always soft:Would that men's were truer!

— William C. Bryant

I sang in the choir for years, even though my family belonged to another church.

— Paul Lynde

I tried to see that every picture was better-looking than the person.

— James Van Der Zee

The ever-whirling wheele Of Change, to which all mortal things doth sway.

— Edmund Spenser