Funny Quotes · Page 604

When asked what would he do if he found $1 million, Yogi responded, If the guy was poor, I'd give it back.

— Yogi Berra

WORST MOMENT EVER: Watching a good show and then BAM. A sad, abusive animal commercial comes on. :c

— Anonymous

My Girlfriend just said that I should stop acting like an year old. I almost choked on her boobs.

— Nikhil Saluja

Bitches be 6'8 talking about fun size no BITCH that's lebron size.

— Cleonie KING

Drugs and alcohol are never the answer. Unless someone asked me, What are you doing this weekend?

— Green Monk

I'm always looking forward to what I'm doing now, and what's ahead.

— Paul Weller

Increased knowledge clearly implies increased responsibility.

— Nicolaas Bloembergen

As funny as some photos can be, think twice about allowing yourself to be tagged in questionable photos.

— Lewis Howes

He's as good at his age as Jack (Nicklaus) was, and look at what Jack has done in the gime of golf.…

— Michael Bonallack

Not all my work features black actors. I mean, it's funny: someone was reading back to me all the languages that have…

— Barry Jenkins

Ive complained to our administration about working the professional attitude of a corrupt officer. Feedback from administration was amazing. Youre terminated. Please…

— Mak_786

Valentine's day has gotten blown way out of proportion. Valentine's Day just used to be for your girlfriend or your wife but…

— Greg Giraldo

“We need to shop," Paul said, peering over his shoulder. "True. We should do it together." [...]"We can hold up cucumbers in…

— Kaje Harper

“You know what I used to dream about, in stir?" His voice was hoarse, the words low and fast and faintly guttural.…

— Karen Robards

Comedy is an ability to observe and see what's funny in a situation and be able to forget yourself enough to do…

— Madeline Kahn

I always felt like I sucked at everything, that I could never find the thing that I liked. I auditioned and I…

— Jennifer Lawrence

“Endure for another day, Mister Tannen, and you'll have all the foul black misuse of water you can drink.”

— Scott Lynch

The biggest misconception is probably that I don't have my head in the right place.

— Lindsay Lohan

Marriage is an institution in which a Man loses his Bachelors degree, and the Woman gets her Masters.

— Nikhil Saluja

Getting back with an ex is pretty much like taking a shower and putting your dirty underwear back on.

— Anonymous

Dance as if no one's watching, love as if it's never going to hurt.

— Stuart Appleby

Just because you can't do everything, it doesn't mean you shouldn't do what you can.

— William J. Clinton

You know whats better than watching a beautiful woman get dressed...laughing at what she is wearing

— Green Monk

Remember as far as anyone knows, we're a nice normal family.

— Homer Simpson

That moment when you hear your own voice recorded and think...omg I sound horrible..

— Abhishek Ghosh

Does the brain control you or are you controlling the brain? I don't know if I'm in charge of mine.

— Karl Pilkington

Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.

— Anonymous

If it's sent by ship then it's a cargo, if it's sent by road then it's a shipment.

— Dave Allen

I live in my own little world. But its ok, they know me here.

— Lauren Myracle

A wise man among the ignorant is like a beautiful girl in the company of blind men.

— Green Monk

I hate niggas! I hate em! I wish they'd let me join the Ku Klux Klan!

— Chris Rock

All I want in life is a pretty girl, a decent meal, and the right to shoot lightning at fools.

— Anonymous

Whoever said I can't cooked has obviously never tried my cereals.

— Anonymous

You're single...?... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA… Me too...

— Anonymous

You take the senses away, and there is no consciousness. Consciousness comes from experience.

— R. Buckminster Fuller

When I get sad, I Stop being sad and be awesome instead. ...True Story.:D

— Anonymous

The pain lets you know you're ok. It's the numbness you should be concerned about.

— Hussein Nishah

Learning is the knowledge of that which none but the learned know.

— William Hazlitt

I have always enjoyed being a part of his life. I've always loved him, and he's always loved me.

— June Carter Cash

The thing about life is that no one comes out alive. So live it up while you still have it.

— Nishan Panwar