If they make it illegal to wear the veil at work, bee keepers are going to be furious. — Milton Jones Copy Share Image
Money is a bad god. People are a bad god. They don't have the power to do what God can do. — Kenneth Copeland Copy Share Image
I can't imagine actually singing on this show like I did on 'Felicity', but it would be kind of funny. — Amy Jo Johnson Copy Share Image
If women think all men are the same, then why do they worry so much about picking the right one :P — Ritu Copy Share Image
Where's Kanye West when my parents are giving me a 9376969675949 hour lecture? — Anonymous Copy Share Image
The more studying you did for the exam, the less sure you are as to which answer they want. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I can't stand Liverpool. I can't stand the people. I can't stand anything to do with them. — Gary Neville Copy Share Image
Monday mornings would be better if they were a part of my weekend-long blackouts. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I was the one who was always scowling, downcast. I tried to make sure I looked like that when I was getting… — Johnny Ramone Copy Share Image
Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet and so are you¦ But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead,… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
COz I'm bored like an empty cup And I wanna run to your side Like you are my favorite chocolate I'm craving… — Myself Copy Share Image
People always say, when did you realize you were funny? And I think it's not that you realize you were funny. It's… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
Life is always walking up to us and saying, "Come on in, the living's fine," and what do we do? Back off… — Russell Baker Copy Share Image
A Minneapolis company has come out with a credit card size shotgun that fits in your wallet. The inventor says he invented… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
Sure the body count in this movie bothers me, but what are you gonna do? It's what everybody likes. At least it's… — Bonnie Bedelia Copy Share Image
You know they call corn-on-the-cob, "corn-on-the-cob", but that's how it comes out of the ground. They should just call it corn, and… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Goth Juice... The most powerful hairspray known to man. Made from the tears of Robert Smith. — Noel Fielding Copy Share Image
Happy Boss's Day to the person whose job I never, ever, ever, ever want. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“If Duncan was ever into men then he's been so far in the closet he's been living in Narnia.” — Dana Marie Bell Copy Share Image
Consider the postage stamp: its usefulness consists in the ability to stick to one thing till it gets there. — Josh Billings Copy Share Image
HUSBAND, A man who has one mistake in his existence -- and keeps learning from it all his life; — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it made. — Jean Giraudoux Copy Share Image
Sexually frustrated men turn into bitchy divas like that snickers commercial. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I love my fed-ex guy cause he's a drug dealer and he don't even know it...and he's always on time. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I was under medication when I made the decision to burn the tapes. — Richard M. Nixon Copy Share Image
When we bump into each other at the Gay Pride Parade, remember to look surprised. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“Damn it! I knew she was a monster! John! Amy! Listen! Guard your buttholes.” — David Wong Copy Share Image
Every one knows that insufficient rest and gorging are not good for anyone, either physically or mentally. — Henry Ford Copy Share Image
I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
