Happy Halloween to someone I trust not to leave me for dead during a zombie apocalypse. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. There's no use being a damn fool about it. — WCFields Copy Share Image
It's funny, I never considered that people are going to see me on the show and maybe stop me on the subway. — Lena Dunham Copy Share Image
“The only difference between me and a madman is that he has the certification” — Josh Stern Copy Share Image
Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible; in a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle. — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
If you have to do something, write me a funny AIDS play. Sure you can. It's the biggest joke played on us… — Robert Patrick Copy Share Image
GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
I think comedy, so much of it comes out of the strange sort of golden instant 'cause you don't know why it's… — Alice Lowe Copy Share Image
I love seeing girls who are funny and strong and smart being celebrated. I love seeing more girls like that represented on… — Taylor Russell Copy Share Image
“I grabbed my purse, which was conveniently place by the front door. Gabriel was such a considerate abductor/host. He even left the… — Molly Harper Copy Share Image
I'm not a woman! Let's make that very clear! Oh I don't know, maybe I am. I am an American woman. Or… — Lars von Trier Copy Share Image
NASA scientists announced the discovery of 50 new planets, among them what they're calling Super Earth. It's indistinguishable from regular earth until… — Peter Sagal Copy Share Image
“Little-known fact about cheerleaders: They keep schedules that would make grown marines cry.” — Jennifer Lynn Barnes Copy Share Image
In the main, there are two sorts of books: those that no one reads and those that no one ought to read. — H. L. Mencken Copy Share Image
Love is not what takes you by surprise and leaves you totally breathless! It's called asthma! -NeSha — Nesha Copy Share Image
Gene Richards swings, the ball bounces foul and hits him in the head. No harm done. — Jerry Coleman Copy Share Image
I accused my friend of being gay yesterday... He was so angry he hit me with his purse! — Green Monk Copy Share Image
I just faced the ultimate rejection. I was masturbating and my hand fell asleep. — Green Monk Copy Share Image
One girl is a girl, two girls are half a girl, and three girls are no girl at all. — Vikrant Parsai Copy Share Image
Once anyone who has a sense of humor can do what they want, they want to do funny bits as much as… — Gavin McInnes Copy Share Image
Nature has neither core nor skin: she’s both at once outside and in. — Johann Wolfgang von Goethe Copy Share Image
When people say “clean as a whistle”, they forget that a whistle is full of spit. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
We are best friends. Always remember that when you fall, I'll pick you up, after I finish laughing. — Cherrymae Esdrelon Copy Share Image
I sleep like a baby every night. I wake up every three or four hours and cry. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
The question is not what we intended ourselves to be, but what He intended us to be when He made us. — C. S. Lewis Copy Share Image
I used to buy lottery tickets every week until I realised you could watch it on TV for nothing. — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
Inflation hasn't ruined everything. A dime can still be used as a screwdriver. — H. Jackson Brown, Jr Copy Share Image
