Funny Quotes · Page 525

The Phillies beat the Cubs today in a doubleheader. That puts another keg in the Cubs' coffin.

— Jerry Coleman

I know every day is a gift, but where's the receipt for Mondays? I want to exchange it for another Friday.

— Anonymous

Everybody loves classical music they just don't know about it yet.

— Benjamin Zander

To heal is to touch with love that which we previously touched with fear.

— Stephen Levine

It's difficult for me to tell whether girls like me for who I am as a person. Damn my incredibly massive penis.

— Green Monk

Sometimes when you look in his eyes you get the feeling that someone else is driving.

— David Letterman

I don't understand the word 'lose', I only understand the word 'learn'

— Pitbull

I don't even know how I ended up with the woman that I'm with!

— Chris Pratt

I like jokes and one-liners. I enjoy entertaining and making people laugh, being the funny man. But when I'm launched into unfamiliar…

— Keith Flint

They have a lot of trouble with pronunciation, because they can't move their jaw muscles, because of malnutrition caused by wisely refusing…

— Dave Barry

“He rolled his eyes and took my hand. His hand was hard and calloused, tough with muscle and old scars. The night…

— James Patterson

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel: Has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice; takes care of business.

— Nikhil Saluja

The body of a young woman is God's greatest achievement. Of course He could have made it to last longer, but you…

— Neil Simon

I was seeing this girl and she wanted to get more serious. But I wasn't ready to, I had just gotten out…

— Demetri Martin

When I was one day old, I learned how to read. When I was two days old, I started to write. By…

— Jon Scieszka

“I understand that you don’t want to marry me,” I said. “I mean, I don’t know why, since I’m simply delightful to…

— Merrie Haskell

Nobody cares that youre smart and nobody cares that your kids dont have bruises.

— Jim Jefferies

When women talk to each other, the devil sits in a corner quietly, learning! ;D

— Ritu Ghatourey

This is one race of people for whom psychoanalysis is of no use whatsoever.

— Sigmund Freud

We're far worse than we ever imagined, and far more loved than we could ever dream.

— Timothy Keller

Reegan scowled at Cath. "Are you Zack, or are you Cody?".

— Rainbow Rowell

Sorry girl, I know you enjoy being single, but I am going to take that away from you.

— Anonymous

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

— George Carlin

I always learn from the mistake of others who take my advice.

— Anonymous

Forgiveness is discovering that what you thought happened, didn’t.

— Byron Katie

No revolution is worth anything unless it can defend itself.

— Vladimir Lenin

Im a little angel...short and sweet...dont piss me off or your ass will get beat!!!

— Ana Chable

I'm glad we'll have a night to rehearse getting blind drunk for the actual wedding reception

— Anonymous

“It'd be funny if one of them was called Gavin. Funny but irrelevant.”

— John Marsden

Life, alas, is very drear. Up with the glass! Down with the beer!

— Louis Untermeyer

That is the best -- to laugh with someone because you think the same things are funny.

— Gloria Vanderbilt

Screaming "Your not my real LADDER!" at your Step ladder.

— Anonymous

For the organic food, the less it's designed, the better it is

— Philippe Starck

If one could possess, grasp, and know the other, it would not be other.

— Emmanuel Levinas

We are loved by Love itself. There is nothing good that we can't do.

— Maya Angelou

The best birthdays of all are those that havent arrived yet.

— Anonymous

Imagine that, a poncho sombrero combo, I'll be off my tits on happiness.

— Noel Fielding

If I don't have anything to do all day, I might not even put my pants on.

— Jennifer Lawrence

Lf you think this page is awesome haha then you should try Keep Laughing

— Anonymous

If y0u want t0 die. d0nt let others suFfer on the c0nsequences that it would bring.

— Meggy