It is the English-speaking nations who, almost alone, keep alight the torch of Freedom. — Winston Churchill Copy Share Image
Just remember, I can always make your death look like an accident. :) — Celeste Hartman Copy Share Image
Let's discuss where to put a beach chair instead of where to put a mosque. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I know of nothing more laughable than a doctor who does not die of old age. — Voltaire Copy Share Image
Certain directors have that eye where something is beautiful as well as funny. — Lolly Adefope Copy Share Image
Halloween was confusing. All my life my parents said, "Never take candy from strangers." And then they dressed me up and said,… — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
I'll tell you what I like about Chinese people: they're hanging in there with the chop sticks, aren't they? You know they've… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
“Where do you find a stomach on a Thursday afternoon in Reno? "Chinatown?" suggests someone. "Costco?" "Butcher Boys." Tracy pulls his phone… — Mary Roach Copy Share Image
Dear crush,don't be scared if a fat guy in a red suit snatches you away on christmas eve after all you were… — Corey Chevier Copy Share Image
I don't resent at all people saying, 'Oh, he's like a sweetheart'... but within comedy, it's a very funny way to talk… — Josh Gondelman Copy Share Image
This ain't Facebook... It's More like fuckbook... Sneakbook... Try to cheat n creepbook... lookbook... I don't like that hoe but I'm gone… — Bonita Bryant Morris Copy Share Image
'Matilda' is my favorite movie of all time. It's so funny. It's about this girl who's so independent and smart, and she… — Storm Reid Copy Share Image
Meeting people at the bar is like going to the grocery store when your hungry - you bring home sh*t you don't… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Hey that's not fair! - A dumb bitch realizing she got bad directions to the fair. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Early to bed and early to rise makes a person dull, boring, and despised. — Ernie J Zelinski Copy Share Image
There's no abhorrence about wearing M&S. We just haven't been delighting the girls. — Stuart Rose Copy Share Image
The moment someone says, 'Hey, everyone, listen to the words in this song,' your party is over. — Amy Sedaris Copy Share Image
“Why does the world hate me?” They both laughed, but it wasn’t funny. SERIOUSLY. Why does the world hate me?” — Cora Carmack Copy Share Image
I hate when someone is about to tell you something but then says never mind. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“Is there any good news?' Tesla said. Who ever promised that? Who ever said there'd be good news?” — Clive Barker Copy Share Image
“She actually wants to spend more time with me? I’m beginning to wonder if she’s as crazy as I am…” — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Imagine having journalists in your own home and not even covering the furniture with plastic sheets first. — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
...clatter of a typwriter suggests that you're actually building something. — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
We don't all agree on everything. I don't agree with myself on everything. — Rudy Giuliani Copy Share Image
I promise, I am sorry and I love you all have eight letters , but so does BULLSHIT — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Why do I feel so awkward about asking you for the money you owe me? You owe me. You must feel terrible. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now. — Bob Monkhouse Copy Share Image
You don't need to be flamboyant in your life to be flamboyant in your work. — Lena Dunham Copy Share Image
“You have a gorgeous ass, and it holds handprints beautifully.” Oh, well, how nice for me. ” — Cherise Sinclair Copy Share Image
