I grew up knowing women are hilarious. There was a lot of respect. — Jamie-Lee O'Donnell Copy Share Image
We Love Water. We Thank Water. We Respect Water. We Are All Water. We Are All One. — Masaru Emoto Copy Share Image
Why did Susan fall off the swing? Because she had no arms. Knock knock. Who's there? Not Susan. — Deezy Da Dreadhead Copy Share Image
Basketball has so much showboating you'd think it was invented by Jerome Kern. — Art Spander Copy Share Image
We can hardly wait for you to blow your tax refund on our destination wedding. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but can she climb a tree. — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
At twenty years of age, the will reigns; at thirty, the wife; and at forty, the judgment. — Benjamin Franklin Copy Share Image
“He's all right. His hair is cute." Jonas froze, his lobster fork halfway to his mouth. " Oh my God, you're in… — MaryJanice Davidson Copy Share Image
Where are my sensations? They have melted into... me, and what is this me, this self, but the sum of these evaporated… — Emile M. Cioran Copy Share Image
I never had money for anything. But I tell you what did really work - books. Between the covers of those books… — Benjamin Carson Copy Share Image
I like birthdays because we celebrate life with cakes. It's so cool. Sometimes when I see a baby, I'm like that much… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
There is a planet named Pluto, but we don't have one named Goofy. Goofy would be a good name for this planet.… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“I’m not going to fucking calm down. I’m going to hunt that bastard down and murder him.” “Oh fuck,” Hank rocked back… — Kristen Ashley Copy Share Image
“Warren returns from his room and sits back down at the table. "I walked away for dramatic effect," he says. "I wasn't… — Colleen Hoover Copy Share Image
“It was a little difficult to take him seriously when he sang along to a song about a woman taking another woman's… — Holly Hood Copy Share Image
I was always good at being observationally funny - like, contributing something funny to the conversation. — Jon Hamm Copy Share Image
I like to have fun and be funny, but I'm much more of a thinker. — Keenen Ivory Wayans Copy Share Image
I follow the quote, Always be true to yourself because I only lie to others — Hussein Nishah Copy Share Image
Alcohol: Because no good story starts with So this one time I was eating a salad — Persia Copy Share Image
I used to think guns were loud until I dropped the damn shampoo in the shower. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Steve Carell leaving The Office is almost as depressing as my inability to leave mine. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“In any given situation there will always be more dumb people than smart people. We ain't many!” — Ken Kesey Copy Share Image
Buttons ... check. Dials ... check. Switches ... check. Little colored lights ... check. — Bill Watterson Copy Share Image
I use to think you took my breathe away but now I realizedI was just suffocated by your bullshit,! — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I love learning bad things about people I don't like. You can throw it in their face. — Marshall Mathers AKA Eminem Copy Share Image
How sure we are that everyone's watching. How sure we are that no one sees. — James Richardson Copy Share Image
Families composed of rugged individualists have to do things obliquely. — Florence King Copy Share Image
It's more difficult getting up early in the morning when you're wearing silk pajamas. — Eddie Arcaro Copy Share Image
“He was right. The annoying Disney song was right. The universe was too fucking small.” — Nenia Campbell Copy Share Image
