Mozart never composed anything, ever! He copied what was written on his soul. — Marc Chagall Copy Share Image
I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair. — Tommy Cooper Copy Share Image
That awkward little half runningwalk thing you do when a car lets you cross the road. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Dad, thanks for teaching me how to ride a bike without the use of performance-enhancing drugs. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
When you're famous, you can't go to Topshop. Even when I disguise myself in a moustache, baseball cap, sunglasses - the full… — Noel Fielding Copy Share Image
“What's big, thick, makes the earth move, and wants to have its way with you?" "I don't know, but can you introduce… — Gregory Maguire Copy Share Image
But with dogs, we do have "bad dog." Bad dog exists. "Bad dog! Bad dog! Stole a biscuit, bad dog!" The dog… — Eddie Izzard Copy Share Image
I think when you do comedy, you play by a different set of rules. No one really wants you to be in… — Seth Rogen Copy Share Image
A lady wants to be dressed exactly like everybody else but she gets pretty up- set if she sees anybody else dressed… — Ogden Nash Copy Share Image
“I choked on the air I'd just sucked in and swung around in disbelief. "What did you just say?" "Me and the… — Rachel Brookes Copy Share Image
Being a funny person does an awful lot of things to you. You feel that you mustn't get serious with people. They… — Fanny Brice Copy Share Image
I was going to stay overnight at my friend's house - he said, "you'll have to sleep on the floor." Damn gravity!… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
