That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Chuck Norris died 20 years ago, Death just hasn't built up the courage to tell him yet. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
You could take Vicodin, step out of the house, onto a freeway, have a truck hit you, and you'd say 'My Bad!' — Bill Engvall Copy Share Image
Because you cannot see outside of you what you fail to see inside. — Anthony de Mello Copy Share Image
When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around.… — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
“Among other possibilities, money was invented to make it possible for a foolish man to control wise men; a weak man, strong… — Mokokoma Mokhonoana Copy Share Image
How does a doctor feel when he loses a patient in the emergency room? The same way a child feels when he… — Hussein Nishah Copy Share Image
“I never knew how much I missed pickles and pickle juice. It's like, an overwhelming feeling that I can't even explain.” — Snooki Copy Share Image
I was in the hospital today and saw this cute guy with a cast on his leg and my first thought was… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Many Americans follow pro basketball from November through June, for reasons that I found unexplainable, other than the fact that they were… — Dan Jenkins Copy Share Image
Moscow has changed. I was here in 1982, during the Brezhnev twilight, and things are better now. For instance, they've got litter.… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
This is quite difficult 'cause I have a really flat head, and so it's quite difficult to get a correct angle. And… — Robert Pattinson Copy Share Image
