“It's not as if I don't know how to handle the truck now. A license is just a piece of paper” — Terry Lynn Johnson Copy Share Image
We got new advice as to what motivated man to walk upright: to free his hands for masturbation. — Jane Wagner Copy Share Image
Mom, I have good news! 'You got a 100 in your math test?!' Mom, I said good news, not a miracle. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
No one is so good that he has no bad in him, & no one is so bad that he has no… — Napoleon Hill Copy Share Image
I love how New York is so multicultural. I wish I was ethnic, I'm nothing. Because if you're Hispanic and you get… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I called the hotel operator and she said, "How can I direct your call?" I said, "Well, you could say 'Action!', and… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
My parents are very funny when they have to deal with anything racy or off-color. They usually pretend they don't speak English. — Margaret Cho Copy Share Image
I'm so single. It's funny. I'm usually a relationship girl. I love being in love and having a partner in crime. But… — Brittany Snow Copy Share Image
“Sometimes I feel that the only concept of fairness in our society is creams like fair & lovely or fair & handsome.” — Jeroninio Almeida Copy Share Image
“What do you think, Galen?" Lady Fern asked in a sugary voice. Galen chewed slowly and painfully, swallowing tentatively. It's very unique,"… — Riley Carney Copy Share Image
I just wanted to let you know when you're feeling down and need someone I'm always here for you, only on facebook… — From The Movie Ted Copy Share Image
“Her heart sank. That's why he found her attractive- because he'd been so long without. He'd probably find a perfumed rock appealing… — Kresley Cole Copy Share Image
