Quote by Demetri Martin

““About a month ago I got a cactus. A week later, it died. I was really depressed because I was like, 'Damn! I am less nurturing than a desert.””

★ ★ ★ ★ ★ 5.0 out of 5 (8 ratings)

More by Demetri Martin

I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance.

Image

Tic Tacs are the maracas of breath mints.

Image

When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole.

Image

I think they named the orange before the carrot.

Image

I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front…

Image

How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.

Image

Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that's the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at it. "That…

Image

I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead.

Image

Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.

Image

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

Image

A Wednesday with no rain is a dry hump day.

Image

THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the…

Image