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Time Quote by Dave Barry

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““They feed you, like, eight times a day, which is why cruise people always look like hairless water buffalo wearing sneakers.””

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The hardest thing about being a guy is that women don't accept that you really are just a simple, pathetic, labrador retriever-like creature. That…

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The ultimate camping trip was the Lewis and Clark expedition.

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Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.

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He was distracted by a giggle, and turned to see a rare sight: a girl.

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The major parties could conduct live human sacrifices on their podiums during prime time, and I doubt that anybody would notice.

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If you look at any list of great modern writers such as Ernest Hemingway, William Faulkner, and F. Scott Fitzgerald, you'll notice two things…

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Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you…

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“Despite the gulf, physical and cultural, between the United States and Japan, both societies are, in the end, made up of people, and people…

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Before going on a diet you should consult your doctor, or at least send him some money.

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'Mad TV' is one of my most favorite shows of all time and is a huge part of my obsession with sketch comedy.

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These joys were so trifling as to be as imperceptible as grains of gold among the sand, and in moments of depression she saw…

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“William didn't look like he'd be difficult about anything - he was thin and sandy-haired and already wore eyeglasses like his father. Most of…

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Intel has a very complete process that I go through any time I want to sell that ensures I have no insider information.

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The man who can master his time can master nearly anything.

Winston Churchill

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I feel like the future is unwritten. So many of the things that we write now haven't been about educating people on the environment,…

John Flansburgh

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You'll seldom experience regret for anything that you've done. It is what you haven't done that will torment you. The message, therefore, is clear.…

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When you do things they're absolutely right at that time for you and it can always teach you something about yourself. You can take…

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Resist discouragement by speaking His Word over your future. Keep standing. Keep hoping; keep believing because He is working behind the scenes. He's going…

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If I had a dollar for every time I couldn’t sleep, I could buy a billion locks and finally read a book in peace.

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Me.. I have been through a lot, but I still manage to have a smile on my face. Im not worried about the past…

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“The future is only an indifferent void no one cares about, but the past is filled with life, and its countenance is irritating, repellent,…

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