Jokes Quotes

2488 Jokes quotes by 1346 unique authors

I asked a thief to steal me a peach: He turned up his eyes. I asked a lithe lady to lie her down: Holy and… — William Blake
Shall I crack any of those old jokes, master, At which the audience never fail to laugh? — Aristophanes
How you speak and the words you use tell much about the image you choose to portray. Use language to build and uplift those around… — Thomas S. Monson
But she took her husband's jokes and joviality as patiently as everything else, considering that "men would be so", and viewing the stronger sex in… — George Eliot
It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking to the president, because what if he tells a funny… — Jack Handey
A funny thing is if you're out hiking and your friend gets bit by a poisonous snake, tell him you're going for help, then go… — Jack Handey
I wish I lived back in the Old West days, because I'd save up my money for about twenty years so I could buy a… — Jack Handey
The last man that makes a joke owns it. — Finley Peter Dunne
Humor, a good sense of it, is to Americans what manhood is to Spaniards, and we will go to great lengths to prove it. Experiments… — Garrison Keillor
I make jokes about the fact that as a neuro-surgeon I shouldn't be required at a motor race because the drivers don't have any brains....… — Unknown Author
Laugh at your problems; everybody else does. — Seneca the Younger
Paris and Nicky Hilton? Those girls will show up to the opening of a phone book. It's like a big joke. — Rachel Perry
For me, anything goes when I pick up a mike. I'm not trying to hurt people - I try not to get too personal but… — Chris Rock
When my syndicated show got canceled, the next day I still knew how to write jokes. That was a huge revelation. Because at first you… — Jon Stewart
When Harel wished to put a joke or witticism into circulation, he was in the habit of connecting it with some celebrated name, on the… — Unknown Author
One nice thing about telling a clean joke is there's a good chance no one's heard it before. — Doug Larson
We were having tea with my mother-in-law the other day and out of the blue she said, "I've decided I want to be cremated." I… — Unknown Author
My mother-in-law was so mean she blinded herself just to get a free dog. — Unknown Author
The repeat run of Fawlty Towers drew bigger audiences than ever and deservedly so. Statistical surveys reveal that only the television critic of The Spectator… — Clive James
The only really good vegetable is Tabasco sauce. Put Tabasco sauce in everything. Tabasco sauce is to bachelor cooking what forgiveness is to sin. The… — P.J. O'Rourke
I always thought of Levittown as a joke. — Bill Griffith
John was at his most relaxed with Ringo, who had him in stitches with his jokes. — Cynthia Lennon
You learn to kid around and joke and not take things too seriously because somehow its all gonna work out for the best - or… — Jack Youngblood
We're weird guys. I don't know if a lot of people get our humor. A lot of people probably think we're jerks. We're real sarcastic.… — Brendon Urie
Mainstream people dislike homosexuality because they can't help concentrating on what homosexual men do to one another. And when you contemplate what people do, you… — Quentin Crisp

Who Wrote These Jokes Quotes

1,346 authors contributed a total of 2,488 Jokes Quotes, led by these top contributors: