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Jokes Quotes by Daniel Tosh
- You know your girlfriend is too young when she'll do everything in bed but go upside down because it's too scary.
- You are a sick freak who should be beaten.
- The only reason Woodstock was necessary is because they didn't have iTunes.
- That Asian guy is really good at kicking. Shocking. Someone is pressing 'A' really fast somewhere.
- It's not Spring Break until somebody dies!
- It's funny... you can make fun of AIDS or Haiti, but if you make fun of some starlet in Hollywood's looks? That's like the one…
- It's the ultimate pinnacle of stand-up to have an hour on HBO, but way more people see Comedy Central, and they've been good to me.
- Instead of dumping all my money on an independent film that nobody would watch and most people would make fun of behind my back, I…
- If no meant no then every man would die a virgin.
- I wanna get rich enough in life that I can afford to release a dozen doves every time I walk into a room. You know…
- I started my own foundation. If you aren't familiar with it, it's called 'Febreezing the homeless.' Who would you rather give money to: a man…
- I really don't work a whole lot as far as touring, but I do stand-up every night of my life, no matter where I am.…
- I put a What Would Jesus Do bracelet on my Jewish friend's wrist and it burned his skin. He threw it on the ground, it…
- I never want to cannibalize my act, and I'm really excited that I am going to be able to perform new material. I'm not a…
- I hope God speaks English. If I get up to heaven and have to point at a menu, I'm gonna be pissed.
- I have no idea why people want to watch puppets be the slightly meaner version of the weirdo holding them. It's beyond my comprehension.
- I grew up in Florida and went to school there, and ended up going to University of Central Florida.
- I go to the dentist every six months, I get a cleaning, so... I'm fortunate enough that those fluoride treatments as a child worked. Not…
- I don't know, maybe I'm immature, but I still find it funny if I dump cold water on my girlfriend when she's in the shower.
- I don't know why I get away with some things. But I'm not a misogynistic, racist person. Yet I do find those jokes funny, so…
- I actually got a part in 'The Love Guru', that Mike Myers film. I heard it's awful. I got a Razzie award for it, which…
- How come everybody cheers when chicks flash their T&A, but when I pull out my D&Bs, i'm a registered sex offender.
- Here's what I tell people now when they come to my shows: 'First of all, thank you for stimulating the economy, or at least my…
- Here's a shock: An adult who still hangs out in skate parks is a bad parent.
- Have you heard about the morning after pill, or what I like to call breakfast in bed. Well have you heard about how some of…
More Jokes Quotes
- Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies. — Aristotle
- The gods too are fond of a joke. — Aristotle
- If I can't face my accusers, that's a joke. We did that in medieval times. — Lance Armstrong
- If equal affection cannot be, let the more loving be me. — Wystan Hugh Auden
- I'm not Mr. Debonair Suave. I'm just a regular boy who goofs around, pulls pranks, and makes jokes. That doesn't sound very… — Jensen Ackles
- As the old joke goes, I have all the sins together. I am a woman, a Socialist, separated and agnostic. — Michelle Bachelet
- The toilets at a local police station have been stolen. Police say they have nothing to go on. — Ronnie Barker
- I try to do women's-point-of-view comedy. The joke is, 'This is what I think; there's the truth.' I try to think of… — Roseanne Barr
- I was raised on government cheese. As an adult, in my first marriage, my husband and I worked real hard just to… — Roseanne Barr
- Every man who is high up likes to think he has done it all himself; and the wife smiles, and lets it… — James M. Barrie
- In life there are always these things happening if you can just get the joke. — Lynda Barry
- Your own mind is a sacred enclosure into which nothing harmful can enter except by your permission. — Arnold Bennett