« All Funny Quotes · Daniel Tosh's Page
Funny Quotes by Daniel Tosh
- I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect!
- Wouldn't it be funny if that girl got raped by like, 5 guys right now? Like right now? What if a bunch of guys just…
- Men who don't understand women fall into two groups: Bachelors and Husbands.
- Women can do anything men can do. Except math, chess, running, jumping, lifting stuff, fixing things, making money, hockey, surfing, driving, making decisions, being tall,…
- Babies aren't dishwasher-safe.
- Thank you ... San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you ... for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.
- I'm sick of the media making female sports athletes into supermodels, when they're clearly sixes at best.
- I'm actually all for gay marriage. Just the thought of having a man around the house...
- You ever hear girls say that? "I'm not religious, but I'm spiritual." I like to reply with "I'm not honest, but you're interesting!"
- Sometimes, when I'm feeling down because nothing seems to be going right, I like to take a home pregnancy test. Then I can say, Hey,…
- You know your girlfriend is too young when she'll do everything in bed but go upside down because it's too scary.
- You are a sick freak who should be beaten.
- The only reason Woodstock was necessary is because they didn't have iTunes.
- That Asian guy is really good at kicking. Shocking. Someone is pressing 'A' really fast somewhere.
- It's not Spring Break until somebody dies!
- It's funny... you can make fun of AIDS or Haiti, but if you make fun of some starlet in Hollywood's looks? That's like the one…
- It's the ultimate pinnacle of stand-up to have an hour on HBO, but way more people see Comedy Central, and they've been good to me.
- Instead of dumping all my money on an independent film that nobody would watch and most people would make fun of behind my back, I…
- If no meant no then every man would die a virgin.
- I wanna get rich enough in life that I can afford to release a dozen doves every time I walk into a room. You know…
- I started my own foundation. If you aren't familiar with it, it's called 'Febreezing the homeless.' Who would you rather give money to: a man…
- I really don't work a whole lot as far as touring, but I do stand-up every night of my life, no matter where I am.…
- I put a What Would Jesus Do bracelet on my Jewish friend's wrist and it burned his skin. He threw it on the ground, it…
- I never want to cannibalize my act, and I'm really excited that I am going to be able to perform new material. I'm not a…
- I hope God speaks English. If I get up to heaven and have to point at a menu, I'm gonna be pissed.
More Funny Quotes
- To be free in an age like ours, one must be in a position of authority. That in itself would be enough… — Hannah Arendt
- These are the fifties, you know. The disgusting, posturing fifties. — Hannah Arendt
- I'm literally open to any medium that will have me. — J. J. Abrams
- We must all make peace so that we can all live in peace. — Jean-Bertrand Aristide
- Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies. — Aristotle
- There is no great genius without a mixture of madness. — Aristotle
- I hope to make movies that are so small they don't need to make anything to be profitable. — J. J. Abrams
- I love recording music. — J. J. Abrams
- Hope is the dream of a waking man. — Aristotle
- Education is the best provision for old age. — Aristotle
- I've had the same friends since I was in kindergarten. — J. J. Abrams
- I also have this incredible love for women. — Kevyn Aucoin