Daniel Tosh Quotes

97 quotes in 1156 categories

• I'm not honest, but you're interesting!
• I don't want to develop a personality, just cut my face! Stretch it and staple it. Now I'm happy, or at least I look like…
• I was drinking tea the other day, and I thought: they used to fight wars over this.
• I came up with my own expression. I like to make it hail. Yeah. That's when you throw change on sluts.
• I’m a Bad Test Taker…you mean you’re stupid?
• I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect!
• Wouldn't it be funny if that girl got raped by like, 5 guys right now? Like right now? What if a bunch of guys just…
• The national anthem blows. Are you kidding me? Do any of you have it on your iPod?
• Men who don't understand women fall into two groups: Bachelors and Husbands.
• Women can do anything men can do. Except math, chess, running, jumping, lifting stuff, fixing things, making money, hockey, surfing, driving, making decisions, being tall,…
• Bill Hicks is a huge influence. I love him.
• The great thing about Los Angeles is that you can get so much money in this town by constantly failing. You can get a lot…
• The flat-brimmed cap is the modern day dunce cap.
• The only thing surfers have in common with the rest of America is they're unemployed and they love crystal meth.
• Babies aren't dishwasher-safe.
• Thank you ... San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you ... for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.
• I'm sick of the media making female sports athletes into supermodels, when they're clearly sixes at best.
• I'm actually all for gay marriage. Just the thought of having a man around the house...
• You ever hear girls say that? "I'm not religious, but I'm spiritual." I like to reply with "I'm not honest, but you're interesting!"
• Sometimes, when I'm feeling down because nothing seems to be going right, I like to take a home pregnancy test. Then I can say, Hey,…

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