All Daniel Tosh Quotes
- Instead of dumping all my money on an independent film that nobody would watch and most people would make fun of behind my back, I… All
- If no meant no then every man would die a virgin. Die
- I wanna get rich enough in life that I can afford to release a dozen doves every time I walk into a room. You know… Afford
- I started my own foundation. If you aren't familiar with it, it's called 'Febreezing the homeless.' Who would you rather give money to: a man… Breeze
- I really don't work a whole lot as far as touring, but I do stand-up every night of my life, no matter where I am.… Every Night
- I put a What Would Jesus Do bracelet on my Jewish friend's wrist and it burned his skin. He threw it on the ground, it… Both
- I never want to cannibalize my act, and I'm really excited that I am going to be able to perform new material. I'm not a… Able
- I hope God speaks English. If I get up to heaven and have to point at a menu, I'm gonna be pissed. English
- I have no idea why people want to watch puppets be the slightly meaner version of the weirdo holding them. It's beyond my comprehension. Beyond
- I grew up in Florida and went to school there, and ended up going to University of Central Florida. Central
- I go to the dentist every six months, I get a cleaning, so... I'm fortunate enough that those fluoride treatments as a child worked. Not… Any
- I don't know, maybe I'm immature, but I still find it funny if I dump cold water on my girlfriend when she's in the shower. Cold
- I don't know why I get away with some things. But I'm not a misogynistic, racist person. Yet I do find those jokes funny, so… Everything Kind
- I actually got a part in 'The Love Guru', that Mike Myers film. I heard it's awful. I got a Razzie award for it, which… Actually Got
- How come everybody cheers when chicks flash their T&A, but when I pull out my D&Bs, i'm a registered sex offender. Cheer
- Here's what I tell people now when they come to my shows: 'First of all, thank you for stimulating the economy, or at least my… All
- Here's a shock: An adult who still hangs out in skate parks is a bad parent. Adult
- Have you heard about the morning after pill, or what I like to call breakfast in bed. Well have you heard about how some of… Bed
- It's not a stereotype if it's always true. Always True
- Throwing a McDouble in the air at a fat camp and shouting, LET THE HUNGER GAMES BEGIN! Air