All Daniel Tosh Quotes
- The dumb blonde stereotype only applies to girls. Blond guys aren't dumb, they are evil like in The Karate Kid or WWII. Applies
- My father wanted me to have all the educational opportunities he never had... so he sent me to a girls school. All
- Men are simple things. They can survive a whole weekend with only three things: beer, boxer shorts and batteries for the remote control. Batteries
- Until I was thirteen I thought my name was Shutup. Name
- In Los Angeles they don't throw out their garbage away. They make it into television shows. Angeles
- I'm all for women who get plastic surgery. Because plastic surgery allows you to make your outer appearance resemble your inner appearance -- fake All
- Anyone who has been to an English public school will always feel comparatively at home in prison. Always Feel
- When a ladder was stolen from a store the manager said that further steps would be taken. From
- If the minimum wasn't acceptable it wouldn't be called the minimum. Acceptable
- Sometimes my mind wanders; other times it leaves completely. Completely
- You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter. Butter
- Am I getting smart with you? How would you know? Getting Smart
- Cheaters never prosper, unless they get away with it. Cheaters
- Some say the glass is half empty, some say the glass is half full, I say, are you going to drink that? Drink
- I feel sorry for those who always complain about the bad weekend they had, my advice is don't ever expect good things in life there… Advice
- Don't you love it when people in school are like, Love
- I'm better then you, na na na boo boo, stick your head in doo doo. Better
- We have a gameshow called survivor in this country. It's a game in our country. Where you can win a million dollars living in a… Already Live
- I'm not saying I'm smarter than Steve Jobs was, but I would have made the iPhone charger cord twice as long. Charger
- Finding my dog's g spot is taking way longer than I would care to admit. Admit