All Daniel Tosh Quotes
- I'm not honest, but you're interesting! Honest
- I don't want to develop a personality, just cut my face! Stretch it and staple it. Now I'm happy, or at least I look like… Cut
- I was drinking tea the other day, and I thought: they used to fight wars over this. Day
- I came up with my own expression. I like to make it hail. Yeah. That's when you throw change on sluts. Came
- I’m a Bad Test Taker…you mean you’re stupid? Bad
- I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect! Funny
- Wouldn't it be funny if that girl got raped by like, 5 guys right now? Like right now? What if a bunch of guys just… Bunch
- The national anthem blows. Are you kidding me? Do any of you have it on your iPod? Anthem
- Men who don't understand women fall into two groups: Bachelors and Husbands. Bachelors
- Women can do anything men can do. Except math, chess, running, jumping, lifting stuff, fixing things, making money, hockey, surfing, driving, making decisions, being tall,… Anything Important
- Bill Hicks is a huge influence. I love him. Bill
- The great thing about Los Angeles is that you can get so much money in this town by constantly failing. You can get a lot… Angeles
- The flat-brimmed cap is the modern day dunce cap. Brimmed
- The only thing surfers have in common with the rest of America is they're unemployed and they love crystal meth. America
- Babies aren't dishwasher-safe. Babies
- Thank you ... San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you ... for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of. All
- I'm sick of the media making female sports athletes into supermodels, when they're clearly sixes at best. Athlete
- I'm actually all for gay marriage. Just the thought of having a man around the house... All
- You ever hear girls say that? "I'm not religious, but I'm spiritual." I like to reply with "I'm not honest, but you're interesting!" Comedy
- Sometimes, when I'm feeling down because nothing seems to be going right, I like to take a home pregnancy test. Then I can say, Hey,… Comedy