Daniel Tosh Quotes

97 quotes in 1156 categories

• I think if you're gonna get a tattoo, just get one: the words, 'I'm dumb.' That's it. That way in 10 years, when you go,…
• The most important part of any CrossFit workout is posting about it endlessly on social media. How about you just brag about all the kettlebell…
• We'll put an asterisk next to Barry Bonds' name, sure, as soon as we put one next to Babe Ruth's name. Getting to break records…
• I don't know what's more embarrassing in this country, that Michael Phelps fell from the graces for smoking marijuana or that you looked up to…
• No one dies a virgin, Life screws us all
• Being an ugly woman is like being a man. You're gonna have to work. Yep.
• I don't think I could stab somebody, cause I'm really bad at a Capri Sun.
• I have high-definition television, because I felt the lack of resolution was affecting my ability to solve cases on C.S.I.
• I hope we find a cure for every major disease, because I'm tired of walking 5K. I'm pretty sure I don't have to sweat for…
• I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have NO idea what they're saying.
• High school is just like glee, a bunch of people dying of drug overdose.
• If you had to eat another human to survive, do you think they'd taste like their ethnic background?
• You know who likes to get fisted? Sock puppets.
• You know your girlfriend is too young when she'll do everything in bed but go upside down because it's too scary.
• You are a sick freak who should be beaten.
• The only reason Woodstock was necessary is because they didn't have iTunes.
• That Asian guy is really good at kicking. Shocking. Someone is pressing 'A' really fast somewhere.
• It's not Spring Break until somebody dies!
• It's funny... you can make fun of AIDS or Haiti, but if you make fun of some starlet in Hollywood's looks? That's like the one…
• It's the ultimate pinnacle of stand-up to have an hour on HBO, but way more people see Comedy Central, and they've been good to me.

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