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First Quotes by Jack Handey
- If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man,…
- Even though he was and enemy of mine, I had to admit that what he had accomplished was a brilliant piece of strategy. First, he…
- It makes me mad when people say I turned and ran like a scared rabbit. Maybe it was like an angry rabbit, who was running…
- Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if…
- If you get invited to your first orgy, don't just show up nude. That's a common mistake. You have to let nudity 'happen.'
- Here's a good thing to do if you go to a party and you don't know anybody: First take out the garbage. Then go around…
- If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.
- Just because swans mate for life, I don't think its that big a deal. First of all, if you're a swan, you're probably not going…
- I remember how my Great Uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle all day long. Once he whittled me a toy boat out…
- There are many stages to a man's life. In the first stage, he is young and eager, like a beaver. In the second stage, he…
- If you ever feel like you're on the verge of a nervous breakdown, just follow these simple rules: First, calm down; second, come over and…
- The first thing was, I learned to forgive myself. Then, I told myself, "Go ahead and do whatever you want, it's okay by me."
- Basically, there are three ways the skunk and I are a lot alike. The first is, we both like to spread our "stink" around. The…
- I think a good scene in a movie would be where one scientist tells another scientist, "You know what will save the world? You're holding…
- I wish there was a disease where you're afraid of clouds, because I think I could cure it. First, you sit the patient down and…
- When you first start wearing a turban, probably the most common mistake is wrapping it too tight. You have to allow the head to breathe.
- Isn't it funny how whenever we go to a county fair or a state fair, the first thing we do is see if they have…
- If you're a blacksmith, probably the proudest day of your life is when you get your first anvil. How innocent you are, little blacksmith.
- When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I…
- If you're ever stuck in some thick undergrowth in your underwear, don't stop and start thinking of what other words have "under" in them, because…
- What am I afraid of? I'll tell you: a feather. that's right, a feather. How could anyone be afraid of a feather, you say. That's…
- Something tells me that the first mousetrap wasn't designed to catch mice at all, but to protect little cheese "gems" from burglars.
- Many people think that history is a dull subject. Dull? Is it "dull" that Jesse James once got bitten on the forehead by an ant,…
- At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth X-rays.…
- I have to laugh when I think of the first cigar, because it was probably just a bunch of rolled-up tobacco leaves.
More First Quotes
- No punishment has ever possessed enough power of deterrence to prevent the commission of crimes. On the contrary, whatever the punishment, once… — Hannah Arendt
- The spirit of Ubuntu, that once led Haiti to emerge as the first independent black nation in 1804, helped Venezuela, Colombia and… — Jean-Bertrand Aristide
- The first time Haiti had free and fair democratic elections was 1990, when I was elected. — Jean-Bertrand Aristide
- I am lucky, I'm the first to admit that. — J. J. Abrams
- Courage is the first of human qualities because it is the quality which guarantees the others. — Aristotle
- For though we love both the truth and our friends, piety requires us to honor the truth first. — Aristotle
- He who is to be a good ruler must have first been ruled. — Aristotle
- In making a speech one must study three points: first, the means of producing persuasion; second, the language; third the proper arrangement… — Aristotle
- Retired is being tired twice, I've thought, first tired of working, then tired of not. — Richard Armour
- The first time that you escape from home or the small town that you live in - there's a reason a small… — Billie Joe Armstrong
- For some young people, their first experience ever hearing punk rock music was playing the Green Bay Packers on 'Madden'. — Billie Joe Armstrong
- Ironically, the first thing that appealed to me about Islam was its pluralism. The fact that the Koran praises all the great… — Karen Armstrong