Comedy Quotes

2637 quotes by 1344 authors

Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making them puke — Steve Martin
Comedy is the last refuge of the nonconformist mind — Unknown Author
"I love the movie previews... you know... Why is it whenever you're watching a movie preview you always feel like you have to comment on… — Jim Gaffigan
And to answer the question that people have about this conspiracy theory that he has a pack in his back, my answer is, if someone… — Bill Maher
In all comedy there is something regressive that takes us back to the world of play that we first knew as children — Unknown Author
[Mock singing] And shall my sword sleep in my hand [Speaking] NOT a good idea, youre gonna roll over and cut your bits off. — Eddie Izzard
"Hi. You know with everything going down in West Palm Beach, and the holidays right around the corner I couldn't think of a better time… — Bill Maher
"I saw this sign posted once, it said, 'blasting zone ahead'. Wow... shouldn't that read: Road Closed. What do you mean there's a blasting zone,… — Brian Regan
The only way I can make a Jim Carrey face is through Novocain at the dentists office. — Sasha Azevedo
"I love the inpatience of New York... You ever had somebody not-ask you for directions, but demand them? You're just innocently walking down the street,… — Jim Gaffigan
This sentimental comedy by the Soviet playwright Aleksei Arbuzov is said to have had a great success in its own country. So do fringed lamp… — Richard Eder
Does anyone here work in advertising or marketing? Well if you do, when you get home take a gun shoot yourself. No bullshit, I'm not… — Bill Hicks
It all bottomed out with the Renaissance Period. Ren-ais-sance. Thats Renaissance, FRENCH for re-birth. Re-nais-sance. And thats why most of the Renaissance happened slap bang… — Eddie Izzard
Sometimes I wave to people I don't know. It's very dangerous to wave to someone you don't know, because what if they don't have a… — Mitch Hedberg
Why isn't my life like a situation comedy? Why don't I have a bunch of friends with nothing better to do but drop by and… — Bill Watterson
A mind is like a parachute. If it doesn't open, you're fucked! — Don Williams Jr
Your chances of getting struck by lightning go up if you stand under a tree, shake your fist at the sky, and say "Storms suck!" — Johnny Carson
Socrates was killed by his own people. He was! [Nods head]. Coz he questioned everything When is a house a house? Just chill-out will you?… — Eddie Izzard
When will you Australians learn? In America we stopped using corporal punishment, and things have never been better! The streets are safe. Old people strut… — Homer Simpson
I can't swim. I can't drive, either. I was going to learn to drive but then I thought, well, what if I crash into a… — Dylan Moran

Who Wrote These Comedy Quotes

1,344 authors contributed a total of 2,637 Comedy Quotes, led by these top contributors: