War that hasn't affected us here, in the way that you would imagine a five-year war would affect a country. — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
Ahh, Earth Day, the only day of the year where being able to hacky-sack will get you laid. — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
Everyone knows if a Republican comes out of the closet and sees a gay shadow, it means six more years of a… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
The Oscars is the one night of the year when you can see all your favorite stars without having to donate any… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
That's what it's like to be a comedian. You basically stand and stare at the world and hope it craps out cause… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
Despite his infirmities, Strom Thurmond showed up to work every day and did not miss a Senate vote in his final year,… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
Senator John McCain, who spent over five years in a Vietnamese POW camp, publicly releases 1,000 pages of medical records. Now people… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
Planet Hollywood has shrunk from seventy-five locations around the world to just over thirty-five over the past two years. No new Planet… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
The night I turned twenty-two, I drank a shot for every year. I was so drunk, I'd just walk up to people… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
The trial of Enron chiefs Jeffrey Skilling and Ken Lay began four-and-a-half years after perpetrating -- allegedly -- the fraud that led… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
You can have all the muskets you want! You can even have assault muskets!...Their (the NRA's) paranoid fear of a possible dystopic… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
Christmas and the New Year are actually two holidays. So there is a plural, which in the English language, necessitates the use… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
The next four years, though, you still have to abide by the oversight process that is there to prevent this kind of… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
The White House released documents it claims validates the president's (National Guard) service ... When deciphered the documents showed that in a… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
The Jews celebrate Passover by eating unpalatable food to remind them what will happen to their people if they ever leave New… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
[John McCain] didn't believe me. I think anybody who's been in a POW camp for five years can - take eight minutes… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
Don't confuse [Father's Day] with Valentine's Day, and here's why. Boy, will you creep him out. I can just tell you from… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
Julie Christie was absolutely amazing in Away From Her. Brilliant movie. It was the moving story of a woman who forgets her… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
The seven marvels that best represent man's achievements over the last 2,000 years will be determined by Internet vote... so look for… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
Christmas and the New Year are actually two holidays, so there is a plural, which in the English language necessitates the use… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
We have standards. Anybody with the kind of journalism experience and professionalism that you have displayed over these years can not work… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
What you do for Jewish New Year is you go down to Times Square ... It's a lot quieter than the regular… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
We've come from the same history - 2000 years of persecution - we've just expressed our sufferings differently. Blacks developed the blues.… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
Yon Kippur. Greatest Jewish holiday ever. The Jewish day of attonement. You don't ear for one day, all your sins for the… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
I remember having a grade-school teacher I thought was a hard-ass. When you're that age, you think the guy is Himmler. Then… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
Some people have criticized the United States and the United States military for guarding oil fields and not guarding the Iraqi National… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
I don't know how people feel,that's the beauty of TV, is they can see us, but we can't see them. — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
I reject the idea there are just two sides. I think that with the amount of ideas and thoughts there are, it's not even… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
Megachurches. I can't be the only one frightened when our houses of worship sound like they could take on Godzilla. — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
While opponents label (Howard) Dean a throwback liberal, The New York Times recently noted that as governor, Dean cut income taxes, reformed welfare and… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
You just have to keep trying to do good work, and hope that it leads to more good work. I want to look back… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
You know, in Saudi Arabia, you're innocent until proven Jewish. Female. Guilty! They're guilty! — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
The unfortunate, yet truly exciting thing about your life, is that there is no core curriculum. The entire place is an elective. — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
Do you guys have to sell everything? I'd like to buy the Earth's core. — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
Christmas and the New Year are actually two holidays. So there is a plural, which in the English language, necessitates the use of 's.'… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
![“[John McCain] didn't believe me. I think anybody who's been in a POW camp for five years can - take eight minutes on The Daily Show.” quote by Jon Stewart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/img-quotes/3bf/jon-stewart-455_believe_john-mccain-didn-t-believe-me-i-think-an_2768070.jpg)
![“Don't confuse [Father's Day] with Valentine's Day, and here's why. Boy, will you creep him out. I can just tell you from last year, uh, even if they do like chocolate, they don't want it from their son.” quote by Jon Stewart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/img-quotes/128/jon-stewart-455_boys_don-t-confuse-father-s-day-with-valentin_3112645.jpg)
