So if you're negative, you live longer? That sounds like a cruel joke. — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
People, if you can't get through the puns, I can't give you the good stuff. — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
Everyone knows if a Republican comes out of the closet and sees a gay shadow, it means six more years of a… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
If we are going to amend the constitution, shouldn't it be to keep the omos-hay from arrying-may? — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
If you break someone's leg, shouldn't you have to be the crutch for a while? — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
[He died of thirst?] That sounds, if I might say, like the greatest Sprite commercial ever. — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
If the world does need to repopulate at some point, the announcing team of Rob Lowe and Sofia Vergara, I think, would… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
If the guy in front of you at the polls has arm swords, you might want to considering filling out an absentee… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
The best defence against bullshit is vigilance. So if you smell something, say something. — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
I still do not understand how a corporation can have person-hood if it has no soul and never dies. — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
If I could be really competent, that goes such a long way toward things, because the majority of things are not competent.… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
You talk about the Pro-Life movement being one of the great shames of our nation. I think, if you want number two,… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
If it turns out that President Barack Obama can make a deal with the most intransigent, hard-line, unreasonable, totalitarian mullahs in the… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
But the main thing I don't want to be is un-funny. That's really the mandate. Just whatever we're doing, make it as… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
Making it [St. Patrick's Day] a great day for the Irish, but just an ok day if you're looking for a quiet… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
If there was one lesson to be drawn from Bush's appearance (on 'Meet the Press') it's that he doesn't have to be… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
I think that, if we do anything in a positive sense for the world, is provide one little bit of context, that's… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
I know that my job is to perform, it wouldn't be a very interesting show if I just came out one day… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
If the president is the head of the American body politic, Congress is its gastrointestinal tract. Its vast and convoluted inner workings… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
Even if the flag burning amendment does become law, the larger problem will remain of how to respectfully dispose of older, tattered… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
The Jews celebrate Passover by eating unpalatable food to remind them what will happen to their people if they ever leave New… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
Ralph Nader choose the man with whom to share the responsibility of running a distant third, California activist Peter Camejo. You may… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
If you want, you can try and get a broader perspective, or you can find people who are absolutely out of their… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
In my head, thought, I would love to do an interview where it's just sort of de-constructed - the talking points of… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
If you don't get it right with your first family, you can always do it again with another. — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
Why do I have to follow CNN on Twitter? If I want to follow CNN, I can follow them on CNN. — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
I've always run by the hierarchy of 'If not funny, interesting. If not interesting, hot. If not hot, bizarre. If not bizarre,… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
If I'd only followed CNBC's advice, I'd have a million dollars today. Provided I'd started with a hundred million dollars. — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
I don't think, if anything, I don't think it's a feeling of hopelessness that people feel. I think if they feel -… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
The real focus at first is to just become a good stand-up comedian, and then when you get to a certain level,… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
I always get that cautionary warning right before I get off the phone with an interviewer. It's: 'Good luck with the show.… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
(Terrorists) are planning to disrupt our democratic process. It's scary I know, but we're not going to let al Qaeda tell us… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
Bush advisers have long been worried that a lagging economy could hamper the president's re-election chances. They hope that the Cabinet shake-up… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
New York became the first state to ban talking on hand-held cell phones while driving. First-time violators could receive a fine of… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
Who cares how we avoided a war and got a dictator to give up his chemical weapons if we avoided a war… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
President Bush's approval ratings have taken somewhat of a dive. A senior slump, if you will. Leading President Bush to one conclusion:… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
I don't know how people feel,that's the beauty of TV, is they can see us, but we can't see them. — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
I reject the idea there are just two sides. I think that with the amount of ideas and thoughts there are, it's not even… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
Megachurches. I can't be the only one frightened when our houses of worship sound like they could take on Godzilla. — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
While opponents label (Howard) Dean a throwback liberal, The New York Times recently noted that as governor, Dean cut income taxes, reformed welfare and… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
You just have to keep trying to do good work, and hope that it leads to more good work. I want to look back… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
You know, in Saudi Arabia, you're innocent until proven Jewish. Female. Guilty! They're guilty! — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
The unfortunate, yet truly exciting thing about your life, is that there is no core curriculum. The entire place is an elective. — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
Do you guys have to sell everything? I'd like to buy the Earth's core. — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
Christmas and the New Year are actually two holidays. So there is a plural, which in the English language, necessitates the use of 's.'… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
![“[He died of thirst?] That sounds, if I might say, like the greatest Sprite commercial ever.” quote by Jon Stewart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/img-quotes/b4f/jon-stewart-455_died_he-died-of-thirst-that-sounds-if-i-might_1681403.jpg)
![“Making it [St. Patrick's Day] a great day for the Irish, but just an ok day if you're looking for a quiet tavern to talk, read or have a white wine spritzer.” quote by Jon Stewart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/img-quotes/8c8/jon-stewart-455_great-day_making-it-st-patrick-s-day-a-great-day-f_954623.jpg)
