People, if you can't get through the puns, I can't give you the good stuff. — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
The Jews celebrate Passover by eating unpalatable food to remind them what will happen to their people if they ever leave New… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
[He died of thirst?] That sounds, if I might say, like the greatest Sprite commercial ever. — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
If I'd only followed CNBC's advice, I'd have a million dollars today. Provided I'd started with a hundred million dollars. — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
Everyone knows if a Republican comes out of the closet and sees a gay shadow, it means six more years of a… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
If I could be really competent, that goes such a long way toward things, because the majority of things are not competent.… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
A guy comes down to earth, takes your sins, dies, and comes back three days later. You believe in him and go… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
[If President Bush is right about democracy in Iraq] I may, and I don't know if I can physically do this, implode. — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
I don't think, if anything, I don't think it's a feeling of hopelessness that people feel. I think if they feel -… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
Despite his infirmities, Strom Thurmond showed up to work every day and did not miss a Senate vote in his final year,… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
New York became the first state to ban talking on hand-held cell phones while driving. First-time violators could receive a fine of… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
If the president is the head of the American body politic, Congress is its gastrointestinal tract. Its vast and convoluted inner workings… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
If the guy in front of you at the polls has arm swords, you might want to considering filling out an absentee… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
Why do I have to follow CNN on Twitter? If I want to follow CNN, I can follow them on CNN. — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
I think that, if we do anything in a positive sense for the world, is provide one little bit of context, that's… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
Gay people can't be proud of the country and want to defend it too. What's the army afraid is going to happen… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
If you break someone's leg, shouldn't you have to be the crutch for a while? — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
Bush advisers have long been worried that a lagging economy could hamper the president's re-election chances. They hope that the Cabinet shake-up… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
In my head, thought, I would love to do an interview where it's just sort of de-constructed - the talking points of… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
If Obama's a tyrant, then he's pretty lame for a tyrant. How many tyrants do you know that really suffer because they… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
You talk about the Pro-Life movement being one of the great shames of our nation. I think, if you want number two,… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
I think of myself as a comedian who has the pleasure of writing jokes about things that I actually care about, and… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
If the world does need to repopulate at some point, the announcing team of Rob Lowe and Sofia Vergara, I think, would… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
I don't know how people feel,that's the beauty of TV, is they can see us, but we can't see them. — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
I reject the idea there are just two sides. I think that with the amount of ideas and thoughts there are, it's not even… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
Megachurches. I can't be the only one frightened when our houses of worship sound like they could take on Godzilla. — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
While opponents label (Howard) Dean a throwback liberal, The New York Times recently noted that as governor, Dean cut income taxes, reformed welfare and… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
You just have to keep trying to do good work, and hope that it leads to more good work. I want to look back… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
You know, in Saudi Arabia, you're innocent until proven Jewish. Female. Guilty! They're guilty! — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
The unfortunate, yet truly exciting thing about your life, is that there is no core curriculum. The entire place is an elective. — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
Do you guys have to sell everything? I'd like to buy the Earth's core. — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
Christmas and the New Year are actually two holidays. So there is a plural, which in the English language, necessitates the use of 's.'… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
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![“[If President Bush is right about democracy in Iraq] I…” quote by Jon Stewart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/img-quotes/7b5/jon-stewart-455_democracy_if-president-bush-is-right-about-democra_2094054.jpg)
