People, if you can't get through the puns, I can't give you the good stuff. — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
Everything in Italian sounds like 'Give me your money or I'm going to beat your @$$'. — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
Give me back the $800 billion for the Iraq war and children's television PBS is on the house. — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
We could overcome the baser aspects of our nature... and give this planet the kind of caretakers it deserves. — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
I don't care about wealth. What seems to be upsetting is institutionalizing the advantages that wealth gives you. — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
More than 150 heads of state attended the UN Summit, giving New Yorkers a chance to get in touch with prejudices they… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
Who cares how we avoided a war and got a dictator to give up his chemical weapons if we avoided a war… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
If you're going to give people 20 minutes of news satire, you've also got to give them Tiffani-Amber Thiessen or you're going… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
I can't sing. Never been able to sing. I can't do voices very well. Every impression I do sounds the same. I… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
Although to be fair, cherry picking isn't quite what we do. Cherries are sweet and delicious. What we do is more turd… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
The Department of Homeland Security recommends a three-day supply of water consisting of one bottle per day for each person in your… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
Whenever you take over something that is popular and has a fanatical following that loves it, you're never going to please everyone.… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
I think that, if we do anything in a positive sense for the world, is provide one little bit of context, that's… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
Following revelations that he fathered a love child, the good Reverend Jesse Jackson - or should we say the 'very' good Reverend… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
That is the American experiment. An ethnic group arriving on America's shores, to be reviled and hazed, living in squalor, or if… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
When Henry Hill [in Goodfellas] got arrested for the first time and Robert DeNiro met him at the courthouse and Henry Hill… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
North Korea is making several demands in exchange for giving up their nuclear program, including a promise from America not to attack… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
Hopefully the process is to spot things that would be grist for the funny mill. In some respects, the heavier subjects are… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
This morning, prompted by increasing concerns about terrorism, oil prices reached a record high as the cost of a barrel of crude… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
I don't know how people feel,that's the beauty of TV, is they can see us, but we can't see them. — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
I reject the idea there are just two sides. I think that with the amount of ideas and thoughts there are, it's not even… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
Megachurches. I can't be the only one frightened when our houses of worship sound like they could take on Godzilla. — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
While opponents label (Howard) Dean a throwback liberal, The New York Times recently noted that as governor, Dean cut income taxes, reformed welfare and… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
You just have to keep trying to do good work, and hope that it leads to more good work. I want to look back… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
You know, in Saudi Arabia, you're innocent until proven Jewish. Female. Guilty! They're guilty! — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
The unfortunate, yet truly exciting thing about your life, is that there is no core curriculum. The entire place is an elective. — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
Do you guys have to sell everything? I'd like to buy the Earth's core. — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
Christmas and the New Year are actually two holidays. So there is a plural, which in the English language, necessitates the use of 's.'… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
![“When Henry Hill [in Goodfellas] got arrested for the first time and Robert DeNiro met him at the courthouse and Henry Hill was really upset, 'cause he thought Robert DeNiro would be really mad at him. And DeNiro comes up to him and he gives him a $100 and he goes, "You got pinched. We all get…” quote by Jon Stewart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/img-quotes/957/jon-stewart-455_arrested_when-henry-hill-in-goodfellas-got-arrest_2126323.jpg)
