By the way, when you finish the bottle of Crown Royal, you can still use the pouch to hold your broken dreams. — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
Here's the way I look at it. President Bush has uranium-tipped bunker busters and I have puns. I think he'll be OK. — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
War that hasn't affected us here, in the way that you would imagine a five-year war would affect a country. — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
In what is perhaps the strangest turn in the President's efforts to rally support, he agreed that Iraq is just like Vietnam,… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
As our larynxes descended, we were able to make sounds with our mouths in new and far more expressive ways. Verbal language… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
Scores of Iraqi exiles met in London to discuss ways to overthrow Saddam Hussein in a grand gathering dubbed the 'Iraqi Military… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
College is something you complete. Life is something you experience. So don't worry about your grade, or the results or success. Success… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
Pigmentation was a quick and convenient way of judging a person. One of us, Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., once proposed we… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
I can't tell you how many times we'll run into a journalist and go, "Boy that's...I wish we could be saying that.… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
We look at, the absurdity of the system provides us the most material. And that is best served by sort of the… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
It is hard to get mad at Donald Trump for saying stupid things, in the same way you don't get mad at… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
Even if the flag burning amendment does become law, the larger problem will remain of how to respectfully dispose of older, tattered… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
I'm less upset with politicians than the media. I feel like politicians, there is a certain, inherent - you know, the way… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
Condoleezza Rice was confirmed by a vote of 85, 13, despite a contentious but futile protest vote by democrats. By the way,… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
I think that's why they're so really - here's the disconnect. It's sort of this odd and I've always had this problem… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
Iran, Ireland, Israel. That's three countries, four religions that HATE each other. Way to go, 'I'. — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
The best way to describe my ability was to say that after the game the other kids would say to me, 'Way… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
I'm not trying to be modest of self-deprecating or in any way trying to do that. — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
If I could be really competent, that goes such a long way toward things, because the majority of things are not competent.… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
Yes, it seems that as the President (George W. Bush) comes to the end of his two terms, he's finally realized the… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
[The conversation with John McCain] is not about being a pacifist or- suggesting that you can never have a military solution to… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
When in doubt, I can stare blankly. The rubber face. There's only so many ways you can stare incredulously at the camera… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
I focus on the task and try and do it as best we can. And we're constantly evolving it, because it's my… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
Songwriting is the way of perpetual want. Songwriters are the blessed/cursed people. You will never have a moment's peace in your life.… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
The thing that [the Senate and the House] don't realize is that everyone wants them to come from beyond that contradiction so… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
After a long investigation the SEC has fined Halliburton $7.5 million for issuing fraudulent statements exaggerating their profits in 1998 and 1999… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
I feel like the only thing that I can do, and I've been fired from enough jobs, that I'm pretty confident in… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
People always say, when did you realize you were funny? And I think it's not that you realize you were funny. It's… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
I don't know how people feel,that's the beauty of TV, is they can see us, but we can't see them. — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
I reject the idea there are just two sides. I think that with the amount of ideas and thoughts there are, it's not even… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
Megachurches. I can't be the only one frightened when our houses of worship sound like they could take on Godzilla. — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
While opponents label (Howard) Dean a throwback liberal, The New York Times recently noted that as governor, Dean cut income taxes, reformed welfare and… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
You just have to keep trying to do good work, and hope that it leads to more good work. I want to look back… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
You know, in Saudi Arabia, you're innocent until proven Jewish. Female. Guilty! They're guilty! — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
The unfortunate, yet truly exciting thing about your life, is that there is no core curriculum. The entire place is an elective. — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
Do you guys have to sell everything? I'd like to buy the Earth's core. — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
Christmas and the New Year are actually two holidays. So there is a plural, which in the English language, necessitates the use of 's.'… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
![“I think that's why they're so really - here's the disconnect. It's sort of this odd and I've always had this problem with the rationality of it. That the President [George W.Bush] says, "We are in the fight for a way of life. This is the greatest battle of our generation, and of the generations to…” quote by Jon Stewart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/img-quotes/5dd/jon-stewart-455_baghdad_i-think-that-s-why-they-re-so-really-her_1190718.jpg)
![“It's nice to know that [God] can destroy us in a myriad of ways.” quote by Jon Stewart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/img-quotes/12d/jon-stewart-455_god_it-s-nice-to-know-that-god-can-destroy-u_2722806.jpg)
![“[The conversation with John McCain] is not about being a pacifist or- suggesting that you can never have a military solution to things. It's just that, it appears that this is not the smart way to fight this threat.” quote by Jon Stewart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/img-quotes/412/jon-stewart-455_communication_the-conversation-with-john-mccain-is-not_1504565.jpg)
![“The thing that [the Senate and the House] don't realize is that everyone wants them to come from beyond that contradiction so that we can all fix it. Nobody is saying, "We don't have a problem." Nobody is saying that, "9/11 didn't happen." What they're saying is, "We're not a fragile country…” quote by Jon Stewart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/img-quotes/aaf/jon-stewart-455_can-do_the-thing-that-the-senate-and-the-house_2683994.jpg)
