“You spent so much time being a hostess you forgot to be a woman. And now the time is right for making… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
I can't tell you how many times we'll run into a journalist and go, "Boy that's...I wish we could be saying that.… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
America has had to deal with eccentric dictators in the past: Idi Amin, Muammar Qaddafi, Ming the Merciless... but now the security… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
Wait a minute! Wait a minute! I figured this out. I know what's wrong with what we've done in Iraq. We've been… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
Everybody talks about the entitlement generation. There is no time I'd rather live in than now, and there is no generation I… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
I think it's just about the machine is about reporting the news, and then reporting the news about the news, and then… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
You can have all the muskets you want! You can even have assault muskets!...Their (the NRA's) paranoid fear of a possible dystopic… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
They create these rules and argue about things we don't even understand. It is like watching soccer. You sit there and you're… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
Happy Valentine's Day! And if this is news to you, my guess is you're probably alone. Valentine's Day is often times a,… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
I think, with the administration they do Constitutionally-mandated things most of the time, but they don't - they fulfill the letter of… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
It's funny. When we were alive we spent much of our time staring up at the cosmos and wondering what was out… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
Apparently the only time the press gets it right is when the White House illegally leaks it to them. — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
Just every moment with Dick Cheney has been my favorite. Here's what I wonder about Dick Cheney, and the reason that maybe… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
The only time a politico will try to avoid playing the blame game is when they or theirs are to blame. — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
If I could be really competent, that goes such a long way toward things, because the majority of things are not competent.… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
When Henry Hill [in Goodfellas] got arrested for the first time and Robert DeNiro met him at the courthouse and Henry Hill… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
The election moment is merely the American public saying, "We'd rather you be President than that guy." That's it. — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
Whenever you take over something that is popular and has a fanatical following that loves it, you're never going to please everyone.… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
The important thing is, that I guess I don't spend any time thinking about what I am or what we do means.… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
We all know what happens to celebrities when their time is up - rehab and then a stint on VH1. — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
I'm thrilled to be asked to host the Academy Awards for the second time because, as they say, the third time's a… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
You know if I had nickel for every time Bush has mentioned 9/11, I could raise enough reward money to go after… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
I don't know how people feel,that's the beauty of TV, is they can see us, but we can't see them. — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
I reject the idea there are just two sides. I think that with the amount of ideas and thoughts there are, it's not even… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
Megachurches. I can't be the only one frightened when our houses of worship sound like they could take on Godzilla. — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
While opponents label (Howard) Dean a throwback liberal, The New York Times recently noted that as governor, Dean cut income taxes, reformed welfare and… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
You just have to keep trying to do good work, and hope that it leads to more good work. I want to look back… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
You know, in Saudi Arabia, you're innocent until proven Jewish. Female. Guilty! They're guilty! — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
The unfortunate, yet truly exciting thing about your life, is that there is no core curriculum. The entire place is an elective. — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
Do you guys have to sell everything? I'd like to buy the Earth's core. — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
Christmas and the New Year are actually two holidays. So there is a plural, which in the English language, necessitates the use of 's.'… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
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