I used to be Irish Catholic. Now I'm an American - you know, you grow. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I always have these little internal monologues. You'll get used to them. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I feel sorry for confetti. Its useful life lasts about two seconds. And it can never be used again. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Hey! Who stole my collection of used bandages?! And they also got away with my nude pictures of Ernest Borgnine! — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Whenever you see the word cuisine used instead of the word food, be prepared to pay an additional eighty percent. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I remember when I was a kid I used to come home from Sunday School and my mother would get drunk and… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
When I was young I used to read about the decline of Western civilization, and I decided it was something I would… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I did a lot of thinking, and used mental activity to relieve whatever feelings I had. I became very left-brained, and I… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Cigarette companies market heavily to young people. They need young customers because their product kills the older ones. It is the only… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
It used to be cars had cool names: Dart, Hawk, Fury, Cougar, Firebird, Hornet, Mustang, Barracuda. Now we have Elantra, Altima, Acura,… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
There are an awful lot of things in the cut of street drugs that eventually make you sick. I reached a point… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I noticed that all the prayers I used to offer to God, and all the prayers I now offer to Joe Pesci,… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I never go anywhere or do anything that transports me outside the boundaries of my mind. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Comedy, although it is not one of the fine arts - it's a vulgar art, it's one of the people's arts, it's the spoken… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. ... These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“TOMORROW IS ANOTHER DAY. Not true. Today is another day. We have no idea what tomorrow is going to be. It might turn out… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend - I didn't bother with him. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“If you guys want to get a MOM tattoo and save a little money, just get two letters done. Get about a one-inch capital… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday! — George Carlin Copy Share Image
It ended suddenly for Brenda, more slowly for me. My runs began getting shorter and less pleasurable. I'd feel bad after only one day,… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
The whole idea of the pursuit of goods and possessions has completely corrupted the human experience, along with religion, which I think limits the… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
