I don't get why the government is the only one that gets to print money. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Oh sure, its fine when a monkey does it. But when I throw barrels at an Italian plumber, they call it a… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Sixty eight percent of Republicans don't believe in evolution. On the other hand, only five percent of monkeys believe in Republicans. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
If we raise taxes on corporations, what incentive will they have to make money other than the fact that it's the sole… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
If you love friends, you will serve your friends. If you love community, you will serve your community. If you love money,… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Class is a way of looking at society that divides people into different categories based on how much money they're willing to… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Charles Darwin got totally hammered, woke up next to a monkey and decided he had to come up with a theory to… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
So what? A lobbyist cheated Indian tribes out of $25 million then laundered their money through phony Christian charities trying to stop… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I believed in global warming after Al Gore's movie made money; the market had spoken. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Don't be bitter. Everybody suffers. If you can accept your suffering then you will understand other people better. Be grateful for pain. Love life. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don’t learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness, a… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
We all deserve credit for this new surveillance state that we live in because we the people voted for the Patriot Act. Democrats and… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I've long been against illegal aliens, partly because they distract us from an even bigger threat: real aliens. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Believe in me, cause I don't believe in anything, and I wanna be someone to believe. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
It's August, which means Congress is on recess and Mitch McConnell has shimmied back into the ocean to seek a mate. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Try to love others and serve others and hopefully find those who love and serve you in return. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Thirty seconds is the exact amount of time Americans can tolerate something they don't understand. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I used to make up stuff in my bio all the time, that I used to be a professional ice-skater and stuff like that.… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I live by syllogisms: God is love. Love is blind. Stevie Wonder is blind. Therefore, Stevie Wonder is God. I don't know what I'd… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
“Unlike Paul Newman, who seems to think that salad dressing is the cure-all for America's ills, I'm a man of action.” — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Now, for my younger viewers out there, a book is something we used to have before the internet. It’s sort of a blog for… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
![“So what? A lobbyist cheated Indian tribes out of $25 million then laundered their money through phony Christian charities trying to stop other Indian tribes from getting casinos [on screen: 'Thou Shalt Not Compete'] and bribe congressmen in the process. Know what I call that? I call that business…” quote by Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/img-quotes/163/stephen-colbert-503_bribe_so-what-a-lobbyist-cheated-indian-tribes_2910152.jpg)
