I want to tell you though, I'm having the absolute best birthday ever. Last night -- this was so sweet, it means… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Congratulations to Saddam Hussein on being elected to another seven-year term. It was very close. He received 99 percent of the vote,… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
You know, Barack Obama the last ten days was traveling overseas campaigning in Europe and everywhere. It was so successful, campaigning abroad,… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
New Republican Presidential candidate Jon Huntsman is fluent in Chinese. In a short period of time the Republicans have come quite a… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Last month Mitt Romney raised $76 million. He found it in an old sport-coat pocket. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching into Paris under a German flag — David Letterman Copy Share Image
In the last 48 hours King Abdullah from Saudi Arabia passed away. I have a moral dilemma. The king passed away three… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
But I was thinking about this, the Obamas want to adopt a stray dog from the pound. And I think that is… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
This will be Michelle Obama's last opportunity to try to get me to eat kale. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Last night, President Bush gave a prime-time press conference. It was such a big deal that Fox decided to preempt American Idol.… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
God forbid I should be the last one to criticize, but I think may be Howard Dean has a bit of a… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
John McCain turned 72 years old last Friday, but the Chinese are making him a birth certificate that says he's only 33… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
A lot of folks are still demanding more evidence before they actually consider Iraq a threat. For example, France wants more evidence.… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
How many people saw Arnold's speech last night? I haven't seen that many Kennedys in one place since their last trial. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Last Halloween I ran out of candy and I had to give the kids nicotine gum. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Last night we had Bill Clinton, the former president. Security was as tight as Governor Christie's yoga pants. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
When I stopped smoking cigars it was the biggest mistake I made in my life. So my resolution for 98 is Im… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
It's tax season. When I woke this morning and realized it was tax season, I said, My God, didn't we just pay… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Last night the United States dropped four 2,000 pound bombs on Saddam Hussein. I don't know anything about explosives, but, my God,… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Two things you need to know about taxes. They've extended the deadline to April 18, and when you write your check, just make it… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
You know Kim Jong Un, the evil dictator of North Korea? Apparently, a guy in his inner circle used his ashtray while smoking and… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
It's the first day of spring. That means this weekend I'll take down my Christmas lights. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
There are a lot of New York City Thanksgiving traditions. For example, a lot of New Yorkers don't buy the frozen Thanksgiving turkey. They… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I can hardly wait until Donald Trump announces his celebrity cabinet. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Experts say this global warming is serious, and they are predicting now that by the year 2050, we will be out of party ice. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I'm worried about John Kerry, he's so confident now that he's already planning his White House sex scandal. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I vote Democrat because I'm way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Do I think there is a heaven? Uh, yeah I do. Like a really big gymnasium. How do I see myself there? With really… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
If it wasn't for coffee, I'd have no discernible personality at all. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
