Today would have been the birthday of Osama bin Laden. It makes me remember when Seal Team 6 threw him a surprise party. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Osama bin Laden... lived in one house for, like, six years with three wives. And earlier today, they ruled his death was… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Osama bin Laden has ten look-alikes to fool us Americans. Ten look-alikes, and he's married to five of them. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
What we know about Osama Bin Laden is this: he's worth $300 million, he has five wives and twenty-six kids -- and… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Osama bin Laden was living in that compound with three wives. It's like he was Newt Gingrich. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
There's already been some trouble for Osama bin Laden in the afterlife. There was a mix up and he was greeted by… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Did you hear this? They say now Osama bin Laden and his buddy Mullah Omar have left Afghanistan dressed as women. They… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
This Osama bin Laden, now they say he has had plastic surgery. They say he sneaked across the border into Pakistan, which… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
They found a cave once lived in by Osama bin Laden and the only thing in the cave were some boxer undershorts,… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Every day we learn more and more about this wacky Osama bin Laden. He lives in a cave and at one time… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
We're learning more about Osama bin Laden. His father was married 16 times, and he has five wives. I think we're getting… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Two things you need to know about taxes. They've extended the deadline to April 18, and when you write your check, just make it… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
You know Kim Jong Un, the evil dictator of North Korea? Apparently, a guy in his inner circle used his ashtray while smoking and… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
It's the first day of spring. That means this weekend I'll take down my Christmas lights. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
There are a lot of New York City Thanksgiving traditions. For example, a lot of New Yorkers don't buy the frozen Thanksgiving turkey. They… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I can hardly wait until Donald Trump announces his celebrity cabinet. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Experts say this global warming is serious, and they are predicting now that by the year 2050, we will be out of party ice. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I'm worried about John Kerry, he's so confident now that he's already planning his White House sex scandal. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I vote Democrat because I'm way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Do I think there is a heaven? Uh, yeah I do. Like a really big gymnasium. How do I see myself there? With really… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
If it wasn't for coffee, I'd have no discernible personality at all. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
