I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
When I was a kid, I always wanted to live in California because I liked skateboarding. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I was a good student when I was a kid, and I did everything I was supposed to do, and I got… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
When someone shows you a picture of their kids what they don't want to hear is Oh, yeah, I got pictures of… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I saw a sign that said, 'Watch for children.' I was like, 'That sounds like a fair trade - especially if they're… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
When people show me pictures of their kids, it's okay. But when I give them a picture of me, to show to… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Okay, so, when I was a kid, definitely the drawings and the illustration. Then I stopped in sixth grade or so. And… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
The question is, 'how bad at sports were you as a kid?' I grew up near where they film Jersey Shore. If… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Sometimes I feel like I'm making a connection with a stranger, but then it turns out I'm not. Like, I was in… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Laborers want their kids to be merchants or business people. Business people want their kids to be professionals. Professionals want their kids… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that's the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at it. "That… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
