I don't go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it's contrived and forced. I just live my… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I think, in comedy, timing is everything. You and I could tell the same joke, but if one of our timing is… — T.I Copy Share Image
Comedians who are 22 years old can certainly be funny and clever, and be capable of telling jokes - but are they… — Rob Delaney Copy Share Image
If somebody accuses you in a story of being a crook, you can demand that they prove it. But if a comic… — Robert Orben Copy Share Image
My own personal rule is to tell jokes that I think the person I'm making them about can laugh at, to go… — Jeff Ross Copy Share Image
The reasons I never set out to do a talk show is they're formulaic. People come out, tell jokes and read questions.… — Harry Connick, Jr Copy Share Image
Some of them relate to farts but they are not fart jokes. They would just be a fart in the joke but… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
My whole life is a practical joke. Every evening and every show has really become about entertaining me. I was always like… — Howie Mandel Copy Share Image
I can do jokes sometimes where I feel like I'm being mean to a person - it's not like they're there -… — Nate Bargatze Copy Share Image
Fashion has become a joke. The designers have forgotten that there are women inside the dresses. Most women dress for men and… — Coco Chanel Copy Share Image
I’m assuming you’re as mystified by this as the rest of us, Rasputin. No. I’m not. I have been planning to destroy… — Joss Whedon Copy Share Image
There is plenty of time for Republicans to have a Macaca moment. But right now, as of October 17, 2014, the Republican… — Matthew Continetti Copy Share Image
Notes for a ballet, The Spell: ... Suddenly Sigmund hears the flutter of wings, and a group of wild swans flies across… — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
“And there's a cop over there." "What?" the boy said, glancing at the D.C. police officer that stood at the corner of… — Ally Carter Copy Share Image
There used to be a joke that women need a reason to have sex, while men only need a place. Does policy… — Rush Limbaugh Copy Share Image
A sparrow lay dead on the backseat. She had found her way through a hole in the windscreen, tempted by some seat-sponge… — Arundhati Roy Copy Share Image
I think one of my first jokes - in the black community, there's people who have jokes about skin tone. People like,… — Hannibal Buress Copy Share Image
Catering on planes, like on British Rail, is a standing joke, but I don't really have a problem with it. I don't… — Phil Collins Copy Share Image
My 6 year old niece just told me she loved me, then pointed at chocolates and asked me to buy one. ALL… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I was hurt so deep that I made up my mind never to hurt anybody else, no matter what. I never made… — Jimmy Durante Copy Share Image
Those prizes in Cracker Jacks are a joke. I once got a magnifying glass. It was so poorly made, ants were laughing… — Scott Roeben Copy Share Image
I suppose I'm going on stage and making jokes about the fact that the audience are expecting the show to be about… — Andrew Lawrence Copy Share Image
I always felt that I was more of an actress than a - I can't tell a joke to save my soul,… — Carol Burnett Copy Share Image
I love funny people, and when I'm with funny people, or people who are amusing in their weirdness, I love it. Because… — Paul Feig Copy Share Image
I will never joke about old soldiers who try to get to reunions to talk over the war again. To talk of… — Will Rogers Copy Share Image
A joke is a good camouflage. Next best comes sentiment... But the best camouflage of all - in my opinion - is… — Max Frisch Copy Share Image
BLONDNESS-okay 5 blondes go into a club theirs 2 dirty blondes and 3 bleach blondes and then they see 2 other blondes… — Unkown Copy Share Image
I learned as a young man that I don't write jokes, but that I can deliver more mundane material and get a… — Nick Offerman Copy Share Image
Everyone for the most part is really nice. There have always been jokes, but that's part of being in the spotlight. You… — Tina Yothers Copy Share Image
I saw a man at the beach screaming, 'Help, shark, help!' I laughed because I knew the shark wasn't going to help… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
You remember from watching the show, there are no "jokes." That's why if you see people on Twitter accusing me of being… — Jay Mohr Copy Share Image
Every time a woman makes herself laugh at her husband's often-told jokes she betrays him. The man who looks at his woman… — Germaine Greer Copy Share Image
I had a couple of decent laughs on Townies, but for the most part, delivering a joke that you just know is… — Eric McCormack Copy Share Image
Awards shows have devolved into self-parodies - liberals in limos, corny insider jokes delivered by the hosts among bad teleprompter reading from… — John Ridley Copy Share Image
Then I will tape the sets and even though I'm not very successful sometimes I will try to cut out the fat… — David Cross Copy Share Image
I do get text messages from people with sick jokes on when something terrible has happened. I don't read them; they make… — Harry Redknapp Copy Share Image
The reason most comedies don't win awards is that the filmmakers put the comedy first. This means you have to create a… — Paul Feig Copy Share Image
In every group of friends theres always one idiot, if your thinking we haven't got an idiot friend then it's probably you!! — Dave Mensah Copy Share Image
I was a terrible employee. I've been fired from almost every job I've ever had, luckily, in a good way, or else… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I'm more of an older school comedian so Tommy Davidson still makes me laugh a lot no matter how many times I've… — Joe Torry Copy Share Image
![“I’m assuming you’re as mystified by this as the rest of us, Rasputin. No. I’m not. I have been planning to destroy the Breakworld since I was a child. [silence] This is why I don’t make so many jokes. I never know when is good.” quote by Joss Whedon](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/img-quotes/c14/joss-whedon-480_assuming_i-m-assuming-you-re-as-mystified-by-this_196955.jpg)
